Wedding Goggles

I often get asked 'Ryan, where am I most likely to get laid?'. The answer? A wedding. See every chick at a wedding is wearing Wedding Goggles, these make them more desperate and vulnerable and make you appear more loveable and charming. You see at a wedding, chicks are 'happy' for their friend but they're also insanely jealous, for they all ask themselves 'why don't I have a good boyfriend?'. So, the beautiful cocktail of desperation, low self esteem and romance created by Wedding Goggles make weddings the place where you are mostly likely to score, but how exactly do you do it?

Wait a while, you want to give your targets an enough time to get drunk on their own, and their desperation will only increase as time goes on. When the time is right, select your target and move in. One thing to keep in mind is that chicks know guys like to try and get one-night-stands at a wedding, so they will be on alert. So don't make any obvious moves, just talk to her. Your first goal is to cheer her up, which will unfortunately make her share boring stories about guys that you don't really care about. Key phrases to keep in mind while she's doing this are 'that dick!', 'you deserve someone who realises how special you are, 'weddings are hard for everyone, you're happy for your friend but at the same time, you want something like that, but it's so hard to find, I guess that's why it's so special'

Eventually she'll shut up and allow you to take her to the dance floor. By this point she has opened up to you and deeply trusts you. The great thing about the dance floor at a wedding is when a chick is out of breath and in your arms, looking into your eyes, she can't help but naively think she's falling in love. Once your dancing session is over you'll both be tired and will have to sit down. At this point she'll be ready for you to the make the move. She'll probably somehow ask you about what you want your wedding to be like in an attempt to make sure you're not a commintmentphobe. Say something lame like 'as long as my bride's happy, I'm happy' then ask her about her dream wedding. At this point you'll both start naming things you'd want at your wedding, note: 'At least five brides' is not a correct answer. Now say something like 'and we must have a chocolate fountain!', she'll be thrown off by the use of 'we' but also happy, note her surprised reaction and finish off with 'oh, I'm sorry, I don't know were that came from, it's just you make me feel so safe...'. After that, it is on.

E-Mail your questions into ryanslog1459@gmail.com

Flings vs Relationships

Every once in a while a man will realise that's it's time to go for something more meaningful than a one-night-stand. Don't worry, I'm not talking about relationships, I'm talking about flings, also known as affairs and casual relationships. So, what exactly is a fling? A fling is a short term, casual and very sexual relationship between two people. Think of it as the prelude to a relationship without the relationship afterwords. A fling usually lasts between a couple of weeks to a couple of months. They begin and consist of dates and sex and usually end with the dreaded relationship talk. 

Unlike relationships flings aren't exclusive meaning you could be snuggling an almost infinite amount of flings and still be having one-night-stands on the side. Awesome. Often with a fling one partner will believe it will be 'going somewhere' (usually the chick) and the guy will be lying to her to make sure she maintains that belief for as long as possible. Unfortunately these flings all come to an end when the chick initiates the relationship talk, which you can recognise by the signature 'were is this relationship gong?'. The relationship talk ends with you chained down to one chick in a relationship or with you singe and ready to move on to the next chick. 

So which is better, flings or relationships. Flings obviously, and here's why:

- No commitment 

- No fights

- Increased sex

- You still get to be single

- Long term lies really turn me on...

Emptying my Sack 1

My E-Mail inbox has been full of responses for almost a year now but I've never taken the opportunity to respond, until now. You've waited long enough, and I apologise for that, but now, I'm finally emptying my sack (mail sack that is). I will be doing this from time to time, answering around three or four E-Mails each time. If an E-Mail is viable for a long response I may answer it in a video. My E-Mail is ryanslog1459@gmail.com 

Some E-Mails have been reworded and altered slightly due to my loathing of bad grammar and spelling.

Dear Ryan,

I love suits, unfortunately my friends don't share my love, that coupled with the price makes it hard to suit up on a regular basis. Are there any cost saving, more socially acceptable alternatives to suiting to up?

 - Eddie 

More socially acceptable alternatives to suiting up? Wearing something that makes you fit in with society is the exact opposite to what suiting up is about. Perhaps the reason your suits are failing you is not because of them, but because of you, your and your poor mentality. As for cost saving, cost is unfortunately equal to quality when it comes to suit, getting a high end quality suit for less than a £1000 can be difficult. Try getting a neutrally coloured suit, then you can mix and match shirts to make it feel new and different.

 - Socially unaccepted yet awesome Ryan

Dear Ryan,

My wingman is a disaster! We both keep striking out and I know it's his fault. He wears brightly coloured Hawaiian shirts, it's impossible to get a girl wearing one! We don't even live in a warm place! How do I tell him there's a problem without hurting his feelings? 

 - Michael

Impossible you say...? Challenge Accepted.

 - Challenged Ryan

Dear Ryan,

My girlfriend is very close with her ex, too close. It makes me uncomfortable but every time I bring it up she accuses me f not trusting her. I don't want to tell her she can't hang out with him but something needs to be done. Advice?

 - Cole

How close is too close? For some of my close friends have been accused of being too close to their former partners when although they were very close, it was purely platonic. 

 - Ex-boyfriend and close friend, Ryan

Dear Ryan,

Has your favourite game changed since you published you list? I believe you are a Deadpool fan after all and he did just get his own game?

 - No Name Given

Dear No name,

Yes actually it has, the top spot on my list has shifted from Assassin's Creed III to The Last of Us, which if you haven't played yet, play it, now. Please provide a name next time though. 

 - Always-without-a-shiv Ryan

Hot Chick Roulette

What a lot of people don't realise is that picking up chicks is a sport and should be treated as such. Like every sportsman I have to train to keep up with the game. Me and my friends often play something I like to call Hot Chick Roulette. Hot Chick Roulette combines some of my favourites things, gambling and hot chicks. The game is played as followed:

1. You and your friend(s) place a bet on whether or not you will win.

2. You and your friend(s) select a hot chick at random using a method of your choice. A roulette wheel is of course preferred but a hassle to transport. Another popular method is of course using an interactive roulette on a digital device such as an iPhone.

3. Your aim is now to go home with your randomly selected chick and give her the 'business'. 

4. If you succeed your friend(s) must forfeit the bet and vice versa if you fail.

Hot Chick Roulette is a fun way to spice up your regular routine. I'll be the first to admit that taking to dumb chicks can get old, so why not get paid for your effort? Of course like all games, there are rules:

1. No bribing your targets

2. Wingmen can not be used

3. No illegal means, such as date tape drugs can be used (this goes for when you're not playing too)

4. You must have sex with your target within 24 hours of her being selected, no arranging dates. 

I realise this entry is a little short, so I will be answering a couple of questions asked by my fans tomorrow. If you'd like to E-Mail a question the address is: ryanslog1459@gmail.com 

Google+ is Awesome

Google+ is not the most popular social network, nobodies arguing that, but it may be the best. It's lack of popularity is it's strongest point. If you're like me your Facebook wall is full of crap. But you don't get any of this shit with Google+ because those annoying fucks are all on the 'cool' sites like Facebook and Twitter. Plus Facebook charges pages if they want their posts to reach their full audience... What the fuck! It's also against you making new friends, however Google+ is a great medium to find new friends. 

So this is just a quick update letting you guys know I've got Google+ and you can circle me here: https://plus.google.com/app/basic/103872432634939162063?source=apppromo

Bimbo Disposal System

Earlier this week I had the misfortune of waking up next to a camper. A camper is a chick that gains access to your living grounds via seduction and then seems determined to spend time with you the next day. Campers are dangerous, you could find your one night stand turning into a relationship before you can say 'Sorry, you can't stay here, I have work to do'. So you have to be prepared, the first time I engaged a camper I was unprepared and to this day said camper still thinks there's something going on between us. Luckily over the years I have perfected what I call The Bimbo Disposal System.

Bimbo Disposal Systems are tricky, they have to be big enough to get rid of chicks the morning after but small enough that they go unnoticed until after you've had sex. When developing my system I had to do a lot of experimentation to find the right balance. I found Nazi memorabilia was too much but high in fat breakfast was too little. My system is made up of lots of little things and a few emergency 'big guns'. First of all, my Bro Cave lacks colour, being made up of mainly black and greys, with a dash of blue. This doesn't detract from sex but gives off an anti-chick tone the next day. Now, everyone knows that chicks feel the cold more than guys, which is why you'll find my room very cold on a morning. The heat in my room is easily adjustable, allowing for 'I have to take my clothes off' heat when she arrives but 'why is this blanket so thin?' cold after sex. To aid in this my blanket is quite thin.

Moving on to the bathroom. What's that? You wanna take a shower? Sorry you can't, I only have one clean towel. A Bro only needs a towel for himself, no one else, so this is an easy way to make chicks leave. It's not like she's going to walk around smelling like sweat, sex and shame all day. Your toilet seat should always be up, even if you just came from a number two, take your time to raise the toilet seat. To aid in this you can purchase spring loaded toilet seats. So, what else do chicks like to do on a morning? Eat breakfast. But a Bro has no food in his kitchen, he doesn't even really need an oven. Barney Stinson himself doesn't have a working oven, in it's place he has a cardboard display. Your kitchen also shouldn't have coffee, low-fat variations of popular drinks (diet coke) or a table (a table is just inviting chicks to eat with you). Your kitchen can have full fat versions of popular drinks, beer, scotch, wine (comes in handy during the seduction but not the morning after) and snacks. Microwaves and toasters are acceptable. 

Your Bro Cave should have absolutely no living things in it at all (not including people of course). Plants, especially flowers, give the chick a 'home sweet home' kind of feeling. You know who decorates their house with flowers? Chicks. Pets are also generally not allowed because with your lifestyle you're never home anyway and their cuteness could also encourage chicks to stay.

So, on to the big guns. All these little things are almost always enough to get chicks to vacate the area but every once in a while you'll get a chick that is determined to stay there until you're in a relationship. First off, smoke machine. Turn that baby on, wait, then shout 'fire!', rush dr off the premises and lock the door behind her. Works every time. Another thing you could do for those stubborn campers is text a female friend and have her come over an pretend to be your girlfriend. Last up, porn. Stick some porn on, it'll either get her horny or disgusted, either way you're good.

Hi, Have you met me?

Being your own wingman is hard, there's no denying that. But sometimes we have to fly solo. There are many reasons a Bro may be forced to pick up chicks on his own, ranging from being out of town to your wingman being otherwise occupied. I sadly don't have a wingman anymore. Luckily being without wingman doesn't necessarily mean being without sex. 

One of the big things a wingman does is talk you up, so without a wingman, you have to do that on your own. This is quite tricky because do it too much and you're a douche, but not enough and you're a loser. So, you have to brag about yourself in the form of a complaint. For example: 'My friends keep taking advantage of how nice I am, it sucks!', 'The front of my boxers are always too tight no matter what size I get, it sucks!' and 'I'm so strong I can't arm wrestle people without endangering them, it sucks!'. It could also be worth letting your suit do the talking, nothing says I'm rich, debonair and confident like

a fine ass suit. Fake phone calls can also be used to make it seem like a friend is talking you up.

Chicks, like their cushiony companions, almost always come in pairs. This can be a problem. Without a wingman to dive on the friend grenade you're going to be stuck talking to hottie and hottie's not so hot friend all night. Unfortunately without a wingman it's extremely unlikely that you're going to get any immediate action. The best thing to do in this situation is to get her phone number, move on and call her later (keeping in mind the Four Day Rule) to arrange a date. 

Push comes to shove you're better off with a wingman but there are some benefits of going solo. With a wingman there may be a crossover in targets leading to an argument about which one of you gets the chick. Without a wingman there's no chance of teammate error or rack jacking. When you're sitting alone drinking scotch and hoping for the sudden appearance of a dumb chick equally as alone as you, always remember things could be worse, you could be in a relationship *shudder*.

Awesomeness Carry Ons

To be awesome you have to be equipped. So, this week I'm going to let you in on what I always keep handy in order to best equip myself for an unpredictable yet totally expected legendary night. You may be dreading the idea of having to carry around everything you'll need, but never fear, your awesomeness carry ons can be safely stored in a suit for today's active Bro on the go. You see when people look at you they will see a Italian wool handcrafted into a beautifully made suit (hopefully), but said suit will also secretly double as storage. 

Shirt Pocket- A condom. A lot of men keep their condoms in their wallet but this is a big no-no as this will damage them.

Shirt Collar- The tie. A beautiful waterfall of silk flowing from your neck. Why does this count as an awesomeness carry on? A tie can also me used to tie hands to bedposts. Yeah.

Right Sleeve- Colourful Rope. Magic's awesome.

Left Sleeve- A magic bouquet of flowers. There's nothing more romantic than flowers, so why not purchase magic flowers that can be pulled out of your sleeve.

Right Trouser Pocket- A smart phone. Load up your smart phone with the get psyched mix, the Bro Code, Bro on the Go, a fake phoning system to get you away from needy chicks and anything else you may need.

Left Trouser Pocket- Air cushioned playing cards. None of that plastic coated crap. Playing cards are universally fun no matter who you're with. From Blackjack to Dou Dizhu, the good times never stop. And of course lets not forget magic tricks.

Inner left Breast Pocket- A wallet. Your wallet should contain change and a Chinese credit card. Keeping a wallet in your back pocket is uncomfortable when you sit down. This pocket should also contain a flask of single malt scotch, for obvious reasons.

Inner Right Breast Pocket- Dice. Ever find yourself in and argument with your Bro about which one of you should do an uncomfortable task such as jumping on the friend grenade? Well leave the problem in the hands of chance. A pen and a small pad. You never know when you'll need these to write down a girls number or give her yours. 

Waist- Nothing. Not even your keys, come on, nobody likes a Dominic. 

Your Swag ain't Worth Squat

If you're alive right about now, which I presume you are, you've probably heard a few words and phrases that have made you go 'Are you fucking stupid?'. Now I select my friends very carefully so that I don't have to why we should be 'dying our hair blue/green/purple' because 'Yolo' but the chicks in the 'I want to bang' group almost usually fall into the 'I'm a dumb bitch' group. So I'm often forced to listen to idiotic words and phrases, I mean yeah it's worth it but I want to make sure my readers are educated enough not say things that make them seem as dumb as the cast of Geordie Shore.

How will I do this you ask? I am providing you with a 'Shit that annoying fucks say' list which shall help you in conversing with your fellow Bros. For a person can either be a Bro or a 'Swagget' but they can never be both. Ever. It is our job as Bros to rise above the idiotic majority of our sad remnant of society. 

Shit that Annoying Fucks Say

- Swag/Swagger

- bro (notice the lower case 'l')

- Yolo

- Returns (On your Facebook photo)

- No makeup, god I'm so ugly!

- OMG

- Guys are all the same! (Sexist much?)

- Literally (when you mean figuratively)

- Maccy D's

- TOWIE

- On it like a car bonnet

- Aw, hell no! (Unless you're a black woman)

- That awkward moment when...

- Epic fail!

- # (followed by anything but a number)

- Bezza 

- wot? (Type 'what')

- Answer your phone! (Maybe they don't want to talk to you!)

- Don't judge me (you're a bitch)

I'd also like to say that I'm returning to my blog and from now on there will hopefully be weekly updates. Anything you think I missed from the list? Or is there a topic you'd like me to cover? Or a question you want answering? Then E-Mail me at: ryanslog1459@gmail.com

Comic Book Origins: Deadpool

Wade Winston Wilson (kind of a tongue twister) is better known as the mercenary and antihero, Deadpool. But Deadpool's origin is kinda all over the place as Deadpool himself has Wolverine Syndrome (also known as Early Spawn Effect) and can't remember his origin due to his crazed mental condition.Whether or not he's actually Wade Wilson is also subject to change as someone once claimed to be the real Wade Wilson and Deadpool stole his identity. Deadpool said that whether or not he's Wade Wilson depends on what the writer prefers. But for the sake of this blog entry lets just presume Deadpool is Wade Wilson, which he probably is.

Wade's mother died of cancer at some point in his early childhood, which left him in the care of his physically abusive father. Wade was a bit of a hardcore, rebellious, don't-do-as-you're-told kind of guy. He was left an orphan when one of his friends shot and killed his father. After a brief military career he became a mercenary for hire. In America (Wade was born and raised in Canada) he met and fell in love with this American chick called Vanessa however when he later learned he had contracted cancer he broke up with her to save her the pain of being with a dying man. But back in the snowy north of Canada he was offered a chance at survival by Department K, a special weapons development branch of the Canadian government. Wade became a guinea pig in the Weapon-X Project, you've heard of that right? Wolverine? Adamantium claws? Terrible X-Men prequels starring Wolverine? All that jazz.

Weapon-X attempted to transfer Wolverine's healing factor into Wade Wilson, effectively curing his cancer. Of course they were more interested in creating duplicate Wolverine super-soldiers than curing cancer. Unfortunately the experiment failed and Wade was left horribly scarred, as you can see in the picture to the right. He was sent to a facility for Weapon-X rejects. The facility's inmates served as subjects in sadistic experiments. The inmates would place bets in a dead pool on which inmate would die next and Wade was always at the top of the list. Wade was brought to the brink of death after having his heart ripped out however he was saved when his healing factor given to him in Weapon-X suddenly kicked him, growing him a new heart and curing his cancer. Unfortunately his new healing powers couldn't rid him of his horrible scars.

Despite being left mentally unstable from his experiences Wade managed to escape and took the name Deadpool. He began donning a red full-body suit and returned to his life of being a mercenary. Deadpool like Spider-Man became known for cracking jokes. Deadpool is the only person in the Marvel universe that is aware he is a comic book character and often breaks the fourth wall by addressing the reader.

Deadpool Appeared in X-Men Origins: Wolverine... which was absolutely shit and ruined Deadpool. But there is a script for a more awesome Deadpool film which follows the comics more closely but it hasn't been confirmed whether the film will be made as Fox are hesitant to make a superhero film for an adult audience as the script is like rated 15 or 18 or something. But the film will apparently feature Deadpool's trademark humor, will have nothing to do with the god awful Wolverine film and will have Deadpool break the fourth wall and address the viewer. But Deadpool will be appearing in his own game which is going to be legen -wait for it- Dary!

New Play!: The I can Play at that Game

-      The -

I can play at that game

Requirements: A Notepad

Prep Time: None!

Bummers: Time consuming

The Play

1.      Write down a list of sexual acts on your notepad. Only write down things you actually want to do and I cannot stress that enough.

2.      Go to an apartment building and knock on people’s doors until a viable target answers.

3.      Tell her that her boyfriend has been cheating on her with your girlfriend. If she looks at you in confusion and says she doesn’t have a boyfriend, simply say you must have come to the wrong apartment and repeat steps two and three until you find a chick that does have a boyfriend.

4.      Tell her that you even found a list of every way they’ve enjoyed each other’s bodies and show her your notepad. Say that you wish there was a way you could get back at them, gesture to the notepad and sigh.

5.      Let her ‘get even’.

Easter: The True Story

Ah Easter, a lame boring religious holiday, right? Well yes, but it is also one of the first ever zombie stories, so today for the very first time, I will reveal the true story that unfolded on the very first Easter...

The Last Supper

Now back in the day Jesus was pretty popular, why? He lied to everyone and claimed to be the son of god with awesome powers. And what comes with great power? Great bitches, so as you can imagine Jesus got laid a lot. He hung out with 12 Bros, known today by the Christian church as the 12 disciples. Now Jesus lived at the time of the ancient Broman Empire, who hated Jesus for his teachings about god went against their beliefs of the Almighty Bro, whom they worshiped like a god.

But they couldn't stop Jesus because his awesome levels were too high but as chance would have it, Jesus' awesome levels were about to take a large hit, why? He entered a committed relationship with one of his followers, Mary Magdalene. Lame. So with Jesus weakened, the Broman Empire decided to kill him. They got one of Jesus' Bros, Judas, to agree to turn him in. In return Judas was promised gold, a custom made Italian suit all the way from Rome (or Brome) and a blessing from the Almighty Bro.

So one night Jesus invited his Bros round for supper and a few poker games. He served bread and wine made from his own secret recipe. His secret was he would place pits of his flesh into the bread, yum, and drain his blood into a bottle of wine. See Jesus spent 83% of his time completely wasted so his blood pretty much tasted like alcohol at this point. Later that night a Broman legion arrived, at which point Judas gave Jesus a high five, which was a secret code to identify Jesus. I know the bible said that Judas actually kissed him but come on, they were Bros not gay lovers... or French guys.

The Death of Jesus

And so Jesus was forced to carry this really heavy cross through the streets while Jewish people yelled at him. Which may sound bad but he was then nailed to said cross, so y'know, ouchie.

So the Bromans crucified Jesus along with two other guys. Jesus stayed up there for a while, in pain probably, and played I Spy with my Little Eye with those other guys until he died.






The Rise of the Living Dead

Unfortunately Jesus made a pact with the Almighty Bro's archenemy and ex-Bro, Lucifer (awesome story, I'll tell it some other time maybe), and was brought back from the dead as a zombie. Yes, Jesus once again walked the Earth, but at a price, he now needed to devour human flesh to survive.

Zombie Jesus then tried to recruit followers to his crazy backward ass religion called Christianity so that he could take the place of the Almighty Bro. But his followers were all like 'Sorry Jesus we never actually believed that crap, we were just in it for the parties and the weed, you'd have to have no brain to believe in Christianity'. So then Zombie Jesus feasted on their brains turning them into mindless zombies, known today as Christians. The Christian Zombies then began to feast on the brains of the Jews, for once they had no brain, they would be much more open to the ideas of Christianity.

The Christians spread like wild fire, it was a real epidemic. At this point the Broman Empire was worried that the Christian epidemic would eventually spread to Brome, and so they prayed to the Almighty Bro. The Almighty Bro then transferred some of his cosmic powers into a bunny turning it into the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny then fought Zombie Jesus in a long, bloody, cosmic battle. Zombie Jesus was powerful but so was the Easter Bunny. When all seemed lost the Easter Bunny unleashed his super Chocolate, Bro-Nova attack, which created a blast so powerful that it destroyed himself and Zombie Jesus. And so the Easter Bunny gave his life to stop Jesus, which is why every year, we celebrate Easter in his memory. Unfortunately the fall of Jesus did not stop the Christians, as they continued to spread to the Western world, destroying knowledge. Eventually after the fall of the Broman Empire the Christians took control of the Western world, renamed Brome to Rome and brought an end to the golden age of Bros. True Story

If you're wondering what I have planned for Easter Sunday I am going out with my Bro Jessie, who broke up with her boyfriend Glenn yesterday. And yes, I'm going to take advantage of her needy state, get her drunk and then maybe she'll take me back.

Don't forget to remember the Easter Bunny's sacrifice...

May he rest in peace...

Bimbo Delivery Systems

Now I have a pretty bad hangover today (I had to drink a lot to build up the courage to leave the note at Raven's house) so this update isn't going to be very long. Today's modern Bro often gets too tired to go out and pick up chicks. The solution? Bimbo Delivery Systems! No longer must Bros pull out the Playbook and go make up an elaborate charade about themselves every time they want a date. Now you can set up a Bimbo Delivery System or two and simply wait until your booty phone starts ringing.

For those of you who don't know what a bimbo is, first off, da fuck? Second, a bimbo is an attractive girl with a low intelligence. It is similar yet separate from the stereotypical 'dumb blonde'. A Bimbo Delivery System is any long-term technique, that requires no effort once set up, to pick up chicks. My first and most successful Bimbo Delivery System are my Single-Girls Support Group posters stuck up around Mortimer and Witburn Secondary schools. Yep, those girls who are sick of being single phone up to join an anonymous school support group managed by me, a kind hearted guy who understands how hard it is to find someone you can trust. The call is directed to my Booty Phone where I schedule the next 'meeting' with her. However on the night none of the other girls show up because they all met someone, making my target feel alone and successfully lowering her self esteem, because if she's the only single girl left then there must be something wrong with her. After I support her she realizes I'm not like other guys, I actually care and like her for her, not her boobs. And then? It. Is. On. And there you have it, the Bimbo Delivery System.

Once I get my hands on an Auto-Dial machine I will set up my new Bimbo Delivery system, which will send the following pre-recorded message to all girls around my age in my area:

 

*All girls in South Shields go to King Street
*All bimbos believe in love at first sight and destiny

Breakup Letters

I thought today was Wednesday and therefor I would be going to South Shields but as it's only Tuesday my night just opened up so I thought I'd update my blog and watch the new episode of Arrow from last night. So... possibly the most awkward talk you can have is the breakup talk with a girl, along with the sex talk from your parent. Well luckily there is a way around it. Whenever a fling reaches the point were I either don't want to see her anymore or she wants a commitment, I simply wait until she leaves momentarily leaves the room and pull out my trusty default breakup letter, leave it were she'll find it and leave before she gets back. Yes a breakup letter informs your date that your fling is now over but in a polite way, so that you never have to see her again. Simply write out your letter on word, just remember to leave gaps were your dates name so that you can fill them in, print out a few copies and always keep one handy. Here is my breakup letter, as an example:

Dear _____________,
            the time we have spent together, no matter how short it was, means more to me than you could imagine. It may sound crazy but I love you and I always will my dear sweet _____________. Unfortunately as much as I'd love to spend my life doing lame couple stuff with you, our time together has reached its end. I couldn't bear to tell you in person as my heart is too fragile.

The European Union has discovered a new species of algae deep beneath the Mediterranean Sea. Now I can't go into too much detail as this is all confidential but these algae are unlike anything on Earth. It is believed to have originated on Titan, Saturn's largest moon, and come here via an asteroid. Due to recent tests it is believed that these algae may be the only known sentient plant and could offer vital evidence for Evolution and the origin of not just mankind, but all life on our planet.

My father, England's leading expert on algae, and I am being relocated to an underwater base by the European Union for the next 24 months so that hopefully he can shed some light on the situation. Unfortunately due to the top secret nature of this job no communication with the outside world is allowed in the base so I will be unable to return your calls. I only hope that we will see each other again someday (provided you keep your figure).

From Ryan.

Awesome, right? 

E-Mail any questions you have about being awesome to ryansblog@yahoo.com

Top Seven Hottest Star Trek Women

8. Uhura

 Appeared in: Star Trek: The Original Series
Pros: Could easily get you on the bridge of the original Enterprise, incredibly low cut skirt
Cons: Might have to compete with ladies man Kirk, Communication officer so she probably never shuts up









7. Major Kira

Appeared in: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Pros: Tough and rough
Cons: Would have to fill Odo's shoes, could kick your ass, religious











6. Orion Slave Girls

Appeared in: Star Trek: Enterprise
Pros: Walk around half naked, turned on all the time, erotic dancing
Cons: Might attempt to control you, slavery has been abolished on Earth








5. Hoshi

Appeared in: Star Trek: Enterprise
Pros: Would get to rub her naked body with gel after an away mission
Cons: Could tell you to fuck off in like a thousand different languages










4. Tonia Barrows 

Appeared in: Star Trek: The Original Series
Pros: Low cut skirt, didn't seem too intelligent
Cons: I'm guessing Captain Kirk infiltrated her with his probe if you know what I mean, wearing a redshirt and therefor could die














3. Deana Troi

Appeared in: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Pros: Could get you to the bridge of the Enterprise-D, could seduce her with chocolate
Cons: Talkative, in love with Commander Riker











2. Jadzia Dax
Appeared in: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Pros: Likes it rough, awesome and fun personality, ever wondered if those spots go all the way down?
Cons: Her husband would fuck you up, used to be a man










1. T'Pol

Appeared in: Star Trek: Enterprise
Pros: Vulcan logic, no emotions, Trillium-D addict
Cons: Hmmm...