Wedding Goggles

I often get asked 'Ryan, where am I most likely to get laid?'. The answer? A wedding. See every chick at a wedding is wearing Wedding Goggles, these make them more desperate and vulnerable and make you appear more loveable and charming. You see at a wedding, chicks are 'happy' for their friend but they're also insanely jealous, for they all ask themselves 'why don't I have a good boyfriend?'. So, the beautiful cocktail of desperation, low self esteem and romance created by Wedding Goggles make weddings the place where you are mostly likely to score, but how exactly do you do it?

Wait a while, you want to give your targets an enough time to get drunk on their own, and their desperation will only increase as time goes on. When the time is right, select your target and move in. One thing to keep in mind is that chicks know guys like to try and get one-night-stands at a wedding, so they will be on alert. So don't make any obvious moves, just talk to her. Your first goal is to cheer her up, which will unfortunately make her share boring stories about guys that you don't really care about. Key phrases to keep in mind while she's doing this are 'that dick!', 'you deserve someone who realises how special you are, 'weddings are hard for everyone, you're happy for your friend but at the same time, you want something like that, but it's so hard to find, I guess that's why it's so special'

Eventually she'll shut up and allow you to take her to the dance floor. By this point she has opened up to you and deeply trusts you. The great thing about the dance floor at a wedding is when a chick is out of breath and in your arms, looking into your eyes, she can't help but naively think she's falling in love. Once your dancing session is over you'll both be tired and will have to sit down. At this point she'll be ready for you to the make the move. She'll probably somehow ask you about what you want your wedding to be like in an attempt to make sure you're not a commintmentphobe. Say something lame like 'as long as my bride's happy, I'm happy' then ask her about her dream wedding. At this point you'll both start naming things you'd want at your wedding, note: 'At least five brides' is not a correct answer. Now say something like 'and we must have a chocolate fountain!', she'll be thrown off by the use of 'we' but also happy, note her surprised reaction and finish off with 'oh, I'm sorry, I don't know were that came from, it's just you make me feel so safe...'. After that, it is on.

E-Mail your questions into ryanslog1459@gmail.com

Flings vs Relationships

Every once in a while a man will realise that's it's time to go for something more meaningful than a one-night-stand. Don't worry, I'm not talking about relationships, I'm talking about flings, also known as affairs and casual relationships. So, what exactly is a fling? A fling is a short term, casual and very sexual relationship between two people. Think of it as the prelude to a relationship without the relationship afterwords. A fling usually lasts between a couple of weeks to a couple of months. They begin and consist of dates and sex and usually end with the dreaded relationship talk. 

Unlike relationships flings aren't exclusive meaning you could be snuggling an almost infinite amount of flings and still be having one-night-stands on the side. Awesome. Often with a fling one partner will believe it will be 'going somewhere' (usually the chick) and the guy will be lying to her to make sure she maintains that belief for as long as possible. Unfortunately these flings all come to an end when the chick initiates the relationship talk, which you can recognise by the signature 'were is this relationship gong?'. The relationship talk ends with you chained down to one chick in a relationship or with you singe and ready to move on to the next chick. 

So which is better, flings or relationships. Flings obviously, and here's why:

- No commitment 

- No fights

- Increased sex

- You still get to be single

- Long term lies really turn me on...

Emptying my Sack 1

My E-Mail inbox has been full of responses for almost a year now but I've never taken the opportunity to respond, until now. You've waited long enough, and I apologise for that, but now, I'm finally emptying my sack (mail sack that is). I will be doing this from time to time, answering around three or four E-Mails each time. If an E-Mail is viable for a long response I may answer it in a video. My E-Mail is ryanslog1459@gmail.com 

Some E-Mails have been reworded and altered slightly due to my loathing of bad grammar and spelling.

Dear Ryan,

I love suits, unfortunately my friends don't share my love, that coupled with the price makes it hard to suit up on a regular basis. Are there any cost saving, more socially acceptable alternatives to suiting to up?

 - Eddie 

More socially acceptable alternatives to suiting up? Wearing something that makes you fit in with society is the exact opposite to what suiting up is about. Perhaps the reason your suits are failing you is not because of them, but because of you, your and your poor mentality. As for cost saving, cost is unfortunately equal to quality when it comes to suit, getting a high end quality suit for less than a £1000 can be difficult. Try getting a neutrally coloured suit, then you can mix and match shirts to make it feel new and different.

 - Socially unaccepted yet awesome Ryan

Dear Ryan,

My wingman is a disaster! We both keep striking out and I know it's his fault. He wears brightly coloured Hawaiian shirts, it's impossible to get a girl wearing one! We don't even live in a warm place! How do I tell him there's a problem without hurting his feelings? 

 - Michael

Impossible you say...? Challenge Accepted.

 - Challenged Ryan

Dear Ryan,

My girlfriend is very close with her ex, too close. It makes me uncomfortable but every time I bring it up she accuses me f not trusting her. I don't want to tell her she can't hang out with him but something needs to be done. Advice?

 - Cole

How close is too close? For some of my close friends have been accused of being too close to their former partners when although they were very close, it was purely platonic. 

 - Ex-boyfriend and close friend, Ryan

Dear Ryan,

Has your favourite game changed since you published you list? I believe you are a Deadpool fan after all and he did just get his own game?

 - No Name Given

Dear No name,

Yes actually it has, the top spot on my list has shifted from Assassin's Creed III to The Last of Us, which if you haven't played yet, play it, now. Please provide a name next time though. 

 - Always-without-a-shiv Ryan

Hot Chick Roulette

What a lot of people don't realise is that picking up chicks is a sport and should be treated as such. Like every sportsman I have to train to keep up with the game. Me and my friends often play something I like to call Hot Chick Roulette. Hot Chick Roulette combines some of my favourites things, gambling and hot chicks. The game is played as followed:

1. You and your friend(s) place a bet on whether or not you will win.

2. You and your friend(s) select a hot chick at random using a method of your choice. A roulette wheel is of course preferred but a hassle to transport. Another popular method is of course using an interactive roulette on a digital device such as an iPhone.

3. Your aim is now to go home with your randomly selected chick and give her the 'business'. 

4. If you succeed your friend(s) must forfeit the bet and vice versa if you fail.

Hot Chick Roulette is a fun way to spice up your regular routine. I'll be the first to admit that taking to dumb chicks can get old, so why not get paid for your effort? Of course like all games, there are rules:

1. No bribing your targets

2. Wingmen can not be used

3. No illegal means, such as date tape drugs can be used (this goes for when you're not playing too)

4. You must have sex with your target within 24 hours of her being selected, no arranging dates. 

I realise this entry is a little short, so I will be answering a couple of questions asked by my fans tomorrow. If you'd like to E-Mail a question the address is: ryanslog1459@gmail.com 

Google+ is Awesome

Google+ is not the most popular social network, nobodies arguing that, but it may be the best. It's lack of popularity is it's strongest point. If you're like me your Facebook wall is full of crap. But you don't get any of this shit with Google+ because those annoying fucks are all on the 'cool' sites like Facebook and Twitter. Plus Facebook charges pages if they want their posts to reach their full audience... What the fuck! It's also against you making new friends, however Google+ is a great medium to find new friends. 

So this is just a quick update letting you guys know I've got Google+ and you can circle me here: https://plus.google.com/app/basic/103872432634939162063?source=apppromo

Bimbo Disposal System

Earlier this week I had the misfortune of waking up next to a camper. A camper is a chick that gains access to your living grounds via seduction and then seems determined to spend time with you the next day. Campers are dangerous, you could find your one night stand turning into a relationship before you can say 'Sorry, you can't stay here, I have work to do'. So you have to be prepared, the first time I engaged a camper I was unprepared and to this day said camper still thinks there's something going on between us. Luckily over the years I have perfected what I call The Bimbo Disposal System.

Bimbo Disposal Systems are tricky, they have to be big enough to get rid of chicks the morning after but small enough that they go unnoticed until after you've had sex. When developing my system I had to do a lot of experimentation to find the right balance. I found Nazi memorabilia was too much but high in fat breakfast was too little. My system is made up of lots of little things and a few emergency 'big guns'. First of all, my Bro Cave lacks colour, being made up of mainly black and greys, with a dash of blue. This doesn't detract from sex but gives off an anti-chick tone the next day. Now, everyone knows that chicks feel the cold more than guys, which is why you'll find my room very cold on a morning. The heat in my room is easily adjustable, allowing for 'I have to take my clothes off' heat when she arrives but 'why is this blanket so thin?' cold after sex. To aid in this my blanket is quite thin.

Moving on to the bathroom. What's that? You wanna take a shower? Sorry you can't, I only have one clean towel. A Bro only needs a towel for himself, no one else, so this is an easy way to make chicks leave. It's not like she's going to walk around smelling like sweat, sex and shame all day. Your toilet seat should always be up, even if you just came from a number two, take your time to raise the toilet seat. To aid in this you can purchase spring loaded toilet seats. So, what else do chicks like to do on a morning? Eat breakfast. But a Bro has no food in his kitchen, he doesn't even really need an oven. Barney Stinson himself doesn't have a working oven, in it's place he has a cardboard display. Your kitchen also shouldn't have coffee, low-fat variations of popular drinks (diet coke) or a table (a table is just inviting chicks to eat with you). Your kitchen can have full fat versions of popular drinks, beer, scotch, wine (comes in handy during the seduction but not the morning after) and snacks. Microwaves and toasters are acceptable. 

Your Bro Cave should have absolutely no living things in it at all (not including people of course). Plants, especially flowers, give the chick a 'home sweet home' kind of feeling. You know who decorates their house with flowers? Chicks. Pets are also generally not allowed because with your lifestyle you're never home anyway and their cuteness could also encourage chicks to stay.

So, on to the big guns. All these little things are almost always enough to get chicks to vacate the area but every once in a while you'll get a chick that is determined to stay there until you're in a relationship. First off, smoke machine. Turn that baby on, wait, then shout 'fire!', rush dr off the premises and lock the door behind her. Works every time. Another thing you could do for those stubborn campers is text a female friend and have her come over an pretend to be your girlfriend. Last up, porn. Stick some porn on, it'll either get her horny or disgusted, either way you're good.

Hi, Have you met me?

Being your own wingman is hard, there's no denying that. But sometimes we have to fly solo. There are many reasons a Bro may be forced to pick up chicks on his own, ranging from being out of town to your wingman being otherwise occupied. I sadly don't have a wingman anymore. Luckily being without wingman doesn't necessarily mean being without sex. 

One of the big things a wingman does is talk you up, so without a wingman, you have to do that on your own. This is quite tricky because do it too much and you're a douche, but not enough and you're a loser. So, you have to brag about yourself in the form of a complaint. For example: 'My friends keep taking advantage of how nice I am, it sucks!', 'The front of my boxers are always too tight no matter what size I get, it sucks!' and 'I'm so strong I can't arm wrestle people without endangering them, it sucks!'. It could also be worth letting your suit do the talking, nothing says I'm rich, debonair and confident like

a fine ass suit. Fake phone calls can also be used to make it seem like a friend is talking you up.

Chicks, like their cushiony companions, almost always come in pairs. This can be a problem. Without a wingman to dive on the friend grenade you're going to be stuck talking to hottie and hottie's not so hot friend all night. Unfortunately without a wingman it's extremely unlikely that you're going to get any immediate action. The best thing to do in this situation is to get her phone number, move on and call her later (keeping in mind the Four Day Rule) to arrange a date. 

Push comes to shove you're better off with a wingman but there are some benefits of going solo. With a wingman there may be a crossover in targets leading to an argument about which one of you gets the chick. Without a wingman there's no chance of teammate error or rack jacking. When you're sitting alone drinking scotch and hoping for the sudden appearance of a dumb chick equally as alone as you, always remember things could be worse, you could be in a relationship *shudder*.