Easter: The True Story

Ah Easter, a lame boring religious holiday, right? Well yes, but it is also one of the first ever zombie stories, so today for the very first time, I will reveal the true story that unfolded on the very first Easter...

The Last Supper

Now back in the day Jesus was pretty popular, why? He lied to everyone and claimed to be the son of god with awesome powers. And what comes with great power? Great bitches, so as you can imagine Jesus got laid a lot. He hung out with 12 Bros, known today by the Christian church as the 12 disciples. Now Jesus lived at the time of the ancient Broman Empire, who hated Jesus for his teachings about god went against their beliefs of the Almighty Bro, whom they worshiped like a god.

But they couldn't stop Jesus because his awesome levels were too high but as chance would have it, Jesus' awesome levels were about to take a large hit, why? He entered a committed relationship with one of his followers, Mary Magdalene. Lame. So with Jesus weakened, the Broman Empire decided to kill him. They got one of Jesus' Bros, Judas, to agree to turn him in. In return Judas was promised gold, a custom made Italian suit all the way from Rome (or Brome) and a blessing from the Almighty Bro.

So one night Jesus invited his Bros round for supper and a few poker games. He served bread and wine made from his own secret recipe. His secret was he would place pits of his flesh into the bread, yum, and drain his blood into a bottle of wine. See Jesus spent 83% of his time completely wasted so his blood pretty much tasted like alcohol at this point. Later that night a Broman legion arrived, at which point Judas gave Jesus a high five, which was a secret code to identify Jesus. I know the bible said that Judas actually kissed him but come on, they were Bros not gay lovers... or French guys.

The Death of Jesus

And so Jesus was forced to carry this really heavy cross through the streets while Jewish people yelled at him. Which may sound bad but he was then nailed to said cross, so y'know, ouchie.

So the Bromans crucified Jesus along with two other guys. Jesus stayed up there for a while, in pain probably, and played I Spy with my Little Eye with those other guys until he died.






The Rise of the Living Dead

Unfortunately Jesus made a pact with the Almighty Bro's archenemy and ex-Bro, Lucifer (awesome story, I'll tell it some other time maybe), and was brought back from the dead as a zombie. Yes, Jesus once again walked the Earth, but at a price, he now needed to devour human flesh to survive.

Zombie Jesus then tried to recruit followers to his crazy backward ass religion called Christianity so that he could take the place of the Almighty Bro. But his followers were all like 'Sorry Jesus we never actually believed that crap, we were just in it for the parties and the weed, you'd have to have no brain to believe in Christianity'. So then Zombie Jesus feasted on their brains turning them into mindless zombies, known today as Christians. The Christian Zombies then began to feast on the brains of the Jews, for once they had no brain, they would be much more open to the ideas of Christianity.

The Christians spread like wild fire, it was a real epidemic. At this point the Broman Empire was worried that the Christian epidemic would eventually spread to Brome, and so they prayed to the Almighty Bro. The Almighty Bro then transferred some of his cosmic powers into a bunny turning it into the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny then fought Zombie Jesus in a long, bloody, cosmic battle. Zombie Jesus was powerful but so was the Easter Bunny. When all seemed lost the Easter Bunny unleashed his super Chocolate, Bro-Nova attack, which created a blast so powerful that it destroyed himself and Zombie Jesus. And so the Easter Bunny gave his life to stop Jesus, which is why every year, we celebrate Easter in his memory. Unfortunately the fall of Jesus did not stop the Christians, as they continued to spread to the Western world, destroying knowledge. Eventually after the fall of the Broman Empire the Christians took control of the Western world, renamed Brome to Rome and brought an end to the golden age of Bros. True Story

If you're wondering what I have planned for Easter Sunday I am going out with my Bro Jessie, who broke up with her boyfriend Glenn yesterday. And yes, I'm going to take advantage of her needy state, get her drunk and then maybe she'll take me back.

Don't forget to remember the Easter Bunny's sacrifice...

May he rest in peace...

Bimbo Delivery Systems

Now I have a pretty bad hangover today (I had to drink a lot to build up the courage to leave the note at Raven's house) so this update isn't going to be very long. Today's modern Bro often gets too tired to go out and pick up chicks. The solution? Bimbo Delivery Systems! No longer must Bros pull out the Playbook and go make up an elaborate charade about themselves every time they want a date. Now you can set up a Bimbo Delivery System or two and simply wait until your booty phone starts ringing.

For those of you who don't know what a bimbo is, first off, da fuck? Second, a bimbo is an attractive girl with a low intelligence. It is similar yet separate from the stereotypical 'dumb blonde'. A Bimbo Delivery System is any long-term technique, that requires no effort once set up, to pick up chicks. My first and most successful Bimbo Delivery System are my Single-Girls Support Group posters stuck up around Mortimer and Witburn Secondary schools. Yep, those girls who are sick of being single phone up to join an anonymous school support group managed by me, a kind hearted guy who understands how hard it is to find someone you can trust. The call is directed to my Booty Phone where I schedule the next 'meeting' with her. However on the night none of the other girls show up because they all met someone, making my target feel alone and successfully lowering her self esteem, because if she's the only single girl left then there must be something wrong with her. After I support her she realizes I'm not like other guys, I actually care and like her for her, not her boobs. And then? It. Is. On. And there you have it, the Bimbo Delivery System.

Once I get my hands on an Auto-Dial machine I will set up my new Bimbo Delivery system, which will send the following pre-recorded message to all girls around my age in my area:

 

*All girls in South Shields go to King Street
*All bimbos believe in love at first sight and destiny

Breakup Letters

I thought today was Wednesday and therefor I would be going to South Shields but as it's only Tuesday my night just opened up so I thought I'd update my blog and watch the new episode of Arrow from last night. So... possibly the most awkward talk you can have is the breakup talk with a girl, along with the sex talk from your parent. Well luckily there is a way around it. Whenever a fling reaches the point were I either don't want to see her anymore or she wants a commitment, I simply wait until she leaves momentarily leaves the room and pull out my trusty default breakup letter, leave it were she'll find it and leave before she gets back. Yes a breakup letter informs your date that your fling is now over but in a polite way, so that you never have to see her again. Simply write out your letter on word, just remember to leave gaps were your dates name so that you can fill them in, print out a few copies and always keep one handy. Here is my breakup letter, as an example:

Dear _____________,
            the time we have spent together, no matter how short it was, means more to me than you could imagine. It may sound crazy but I love you and I always will my dear sweet _____________. Unfortunately as much as I'd love to spend my life doing lame couple stuff with you, our time together has reached its end. I couldn't bear to tell you in person as my heart is too fragile.

The European Union has discovered a new species of algae deep beneath the Mediterranean Sea. Now I can't go into too much detail as this is all confidential but these algae are unlike anything on Earth. It is believed to have originated on Titan, Saturn's largest moon, and come here via an asteroid. Due to recent tests it is believed that these algae may be the only known sentient plant and could offer vital evidence for Evolution and the origin of not just mankind, but all life on our planet.

My father, England's leading expert on algae, and I am being relocated to an underwater base by the European Union for the next 24 months so that hopefully he can shed some light on the situation. Unfortunately due to the top secret nature of this job no communication with the outside world is allowed in the base so I will be unable to return your calls. I only hope that we will see each other again someday (provided you keep your figure).

From Ryan.

Awesome, right? 

E-Mail any questions you have about being awesome to ryansblog@yahoo.com