Easter: The True Story

Ah Easter, a lame boring religious holiday, right? Well yes, but it is also one of the first ever zombie stories, so today for the very first time, I will reveal the true story that unfolded on the very first Easter...

The Last Supper

Now back in the day Jesus was pretty popular, why? He lied to everyone and claimed to be the son of god with awesome powers. And what comes with great power? Great bitches, so as you can imagine Jesus got laid a lot. He hung out with 12 Bros, known today by the Christian church as the 12 disciples. Now Jesus lived at the time of the ancient Broman Empire, who hated Jesus for his teachings about god went against their beliefs of the Almighty Bro, whom they worshiped like a god.

But they couldn't stop Jesus because his awesome levels were too high but as chance would have it, Jesus' awesome levels were about to take a large hit, why? He entered a committed relationship with one of his followers, Mary Magdalene. Lame. So with Jesus weakened, the Broman Empire decided to kill him. They got one of Jesus' Bros, Judas, to agree to turn him in. In return Judas was promised gold, a custom made Italian suit all the way from Rome (or Brome) and a blessing from the Almighty Bro.

So one night Jesus invited his Bros round for supper and a few poker games. He served bread and wine made from his own secret recipe. His secret was he would place pits of his flesh into the bread, yum, and drain his blood into a bottle of wine. See Jesus spent 83% of his time completely wasted so his blood pretty much tasted like alcohol at this point. Later that night a Broman legion arrived, at which point Judas gave Jesus a high five, which was a secret code to identify Jesus. I know the bible said that Judas actually kissed him but come on, they were Bros not gay lovers... or French guys.

The Death of Jesus

And so Jesus was forced to carry this really heavy cross through the streets while Jewish people yelled at him. Which may sound bad but he was then nailed to said cross, so y'know, ouchie.

So the Bromans crucified Jesus along with two other guys. Jesus stayed up there for a while, in pain probably, and played I Spy with my Little Eye with those other guys until he died.






The Rise of the Living Dead

Unfortunately Jesus made a pact with the Almighty Bro's archenemy and ex-Bro, Lucifer (awesome story, I'll tell it some other time maybe), and was brought back from the dead as a zombie. Yes, Jesus once again walked the Earth, but at a price, he now needed to devour human flesh to survive.

Zombie Jesus then tried to recruit followers to his crazy backward ass religion called Christianity so that he could take the place of the Almighty Bro. But his followers were all like 'Sorry Jesus we never actually believed that crap, we were just in it for the parties and the weed, you'd have to have no brain to believe in Christianity'. So then Zombie Jesus feasted on their brains turning them into mindless zombies, known today as Christians. The Christian Zombies then began to feast on the brains of the Jews, for once they had no brain, they would be much more open to the ideas of Christianity.

The Christians spread like wild fire, it was a real epidemic. At this point the Broman Empire was worried that the Christian epidemic would eventually spread to Brome, and so they prayed to the Almighty Bro. The Almighty Bro then transferred some of his cosmic powers into a bunny turning it into the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny then fought Zombie Jesus in a long, bloody, cosmic battle. Zombie Jesus was powerful but so was the Easter Bunny. When all seemed lost the Easter Bunny unleashed his super Chocolate, Bro-Nova attack, which created a blast so powerful that it destroyed himself and Zombie Jesus. And so the Easter Bunny gave his life to stop Jesus, which is why every year, we celebrate Easter in his memory. Unfortunately the fall of Jesus did not stop the Christians, as they continued to spread to the Western world, destroying knowledge. Eventually after the fall of the Broman Empire the Christians took control of the Western world, renamed Brome to Rome and brought an end to the golden age of Bros. True Story

If you're wondering what I have planned for Easter Sunday I am going out with my Bro Jessie, who broke up with her boyfriend Glenn yesterday. And yes, I'm going to take advantage of her needy state, get her drunk and then maybe she'll take me back.

Don't forget to remember the Easter Bunny's sacrifice...

May he rest in peace...