Awesomeness Carry Ons

To be awesome you have to be equipped. So, this week I'm going to let you in on what I always keep handy in order to best equip myself for an unpredictable yet totally expected legendary night. You may be dreading the idea of having to carry around everything you'll need, but never fear, your awesomeness carry ons can be safely stored in a suit for today's active Bro on the go. You see when people look at you they will see a Italian wool handcrafted into a beautifully made suit (hopefully), but said suit will also secretly double as storage. 

Shirt Pocket- A condom. A lot of men keep their condoms in their wallet but this is a big no-no as this will damage them.

Shirt Collar- The tie. A beautiful waterfall of silk flowing from your neck. Why does this count as an awesomeness carry on? A tie can also me used to tie hands to bedposts. Yeah.

Right Sleeve- Colourful Rope. Magic's awesome.

Left Sleeve- A magic bouquet of flowers. There's nothing more romantic than flowers, so why not purchase magic flowers that can be pulled out of your sleeve.

Right Trouser Pocket- A smart phone. Load up your smart phone with the get psyched mix, the Bro Code, Bro on the Go, a fake phoning system to get you away from needy chicks and anything else you may need.

Left Trouser Pocket- Air cushioned playing cards. None of that plastic coated crap. Playing cards are universally fun no matter who you're with. From Blackjack to Dou Dizhu, the good times never stop. And of course lets not forget magic tricks.

Inner left Breast Pocket- A wallet. Your wallet should contain change and a Chinese credit card. Keeping a wallet in your back pocket is uncomfortable when you sit down. This pocket should also contain a flask of single malt scotch, for obvious reasons.

Inner Right Breast Pocket- Dice. Ever find yourself in and argument with your Bro about which one of you should do an uncomfortable task such as jumping on the friend grenade? Well leave the problem in the hands of chance. A pen and a small pad. You never know when you'll need these to write down a girls number or give her yours. 

Waist- Nothing. Not even your keys, come on, nobody likes a Dominic. 

Your Swag ain't Worth Squat

If you're alive right about now, which I presume you are, you've probably heard a few words and phrases that have made you go 'Are you fucking stupid?'. Now I select my friends very carefully so that I don't have to why we should be 'dying our hair blue/green/purple' because 'Yolo' but the chicks in the 'I want to bang' group almost usually fall into the 'I'm a dumb bitch' group. So I'm often forced to listen to idiotic words and phrases, I mean yeah it's worth it but I want to make sure my readers are educated enough not say things that make them seem as dumb as the cast of Geordie Shore.

How will I do this you ask? I am providing you with a 'Shit that annoying fucks say' list which shall help you in conversing with your fellow Bros. For a person can either be a Bro or a 'Swagget' but they can never be both. Ever. It is our job as Bros to rise above the idiotic majority of our sad remnant of society. 

Shit that Annoying Fucks Say

- Swag/Swagger

- bro (notice the lower case 'l')

- Yolo

- Returns (On your Facebook photo)

- No makeup, god I'm so ugly!

- OMG

- Guys are all the same! (Sexist much?)

- Literally (when you mean figuratively)

- Maccy D's

- TOWIE

- On it like a car bonnet

- Aw, hell no! (Unless you're a black woman)

- That awkward moment when...

- Epic fail!

- # (followed by anything but a number)

- Bezza 

- wot? (Type 'what')

- Answer your phone! (Maybe they don't want to talk to you!)

- Don't judge me (you're a bitch)

I'd also like to say that I'm returning to my blog and from now on there will hopefully be weekly updates. Anything you think I missed from the list? Or is there a topic you'd like me to cover? Or a question you want answering? Then E-Mail me at: ryanslog1459@gmail.com

Comic Book Origins: Deadpool

Wade Winston Wilson (kind of a tongue twister) is better known as the mercenary and antihero, Deadpool. But Deadpool's origin is kinda all over the place as Deadpool himself has Wolverine Syndrome (also known as Early Spawn Effect) and can't remember his origin due to his crazed mental condition.Whether or not he's actually Wade Wilson is also subject to change as someone once claimed to be the real Wade Wilson and Deadpool stole his identity. Deadpool said that whether or not he's Wade Wilson depends on what the writer prefers. But for the sake of this blog entry lets just presume Deadpool is Wade Wilson, which he probably is.

Wade's mother died of cancer at some point in his early childhood, which left him in the care of his physically abusive father. Wade was a bit of a hardcore, rebellious, don't-do-as-you're-told kind of guy. He was left an orphan when one of his friends shot and killed his father. After a brief military career he became a mercenary for hire. In America (Wade was born and raised in Canada) he met and fell in love with this American chick called Vanessa however when he later learned he had contracted cancer he broke up with her to save her the pain of being with a dying man. But back in the snowy north of Canada he was offered a chance at survival by Department K, a special weapons development branch of the Canadian government. Wade became a guinea pig in the Weapon-X Project, you've heard of that right? Wolverine? Adamantium claws? Terrible X-Men prequels starring Wolverine? All that jazz.

Weapon-X attempted to transfer Wolverine's healing factor into Wade Wilson, effectively curing his cancer. Of course they were more interested in creating duplicate Wolverine super-soldiers than curing cancer. Unfortunately the experiment failed and Wade was left horribly scarred, as you can see in the picture to the right. He was sent to a facility for Weapon-X rejects. The facility's inmates served as subjects in sadistic experiments. The inmates would place bets in a dead pool on which inmate would die next and Wade was always at the top of the list. Wade was brought to the brink of death after having his heart ripped out however he was saved when his healing factor given to him in Weapon-X suddenly kicked him, growing him a new heart and curing his cancer. Unfortunately his new healing powers couldn't rid him of his horrible scars.

Despite being left mentally unstable from his experiences Wade managed to escape and took the name Deadpool. He began donning a red full-body suit and returned to his life of being a mercenary. Deadpool like Spider-Man became known for cracking jokes. Deadpool is the only person in the Marvel universe that is aware he is a comic book character and often breaks the fourth wall by addressing the reader.

Deadpool Appeared in X-Men Origins: Wolverine... which was absolutely shit and ruined Deadpool. But there is a script for a more awesome Deadpool film which follows the comics more closely but it hasn't been confirmed whether the film will be made as Fox are hesitant to make a superhero film for an adult audience as the script is like rated 15 or 18 or something. But the film will apparently feature Deadpool's trademark humor, will have nothing to do with the god awful Wolverine film and will have Deadpool break the fourth wall and address the viewer. But Deadpool will be appearing in his own game which is going to be legen -wait for it- Dary!

New Play!: The I can Play at that Game

-      The -

I can play at that game

Requirements: A Notepad

Prep Time: None!

Bummers: Time consuming

The Play

1.      Write down a list of sexual acts on your notepad. Only write down things you actually want to do and I cannot stress that enough.

2.      Go to an apartment building and knock on people’s doors until a viable target answers.

3.      Tell her that her boyfriend has been cheating on her with your girlfriend. If she looks at you in confusion and says she doesn’t have a boyfriend, simply say you must have come to the wrong apartment and repeat steps two and three until you find a chick that does have a boyfriend.

4.      Tell her that you even found a list of every way they’ve enjoyed each other’s bodies and show her your notepad. Say that you wish there was a way you could get back at them, gesture to the notepad and sigh.

5.      Let her ‘get even’.

Easter: The True Story

Ah Easter, a lame boring religious holiday, right? Well yes, but it is also one of the first ever zombie stories, so today for the very first time, I will reveal the true story that unfolded on the very first Easter...

The Last Supper

Now back in the day Jesus was pretty popular, why? He lied to everyone and claimed to be the son of god with awesome powers. And what comes with great power? Great bitches, so as you can imagine Jesus got laid a lot. He hung out with 12 Bros, known today by the Christian church as the 12 disciples. Now Jesus lived at the time of the ancient Broman Empire, who hated Jesus for his teachings about god went against their beliefs of the Almighty Bro, whom they worshiped like a god.

But they couldn't stop Jesus because his awesome levels were too high but as chance would have it, Jesus' awesome levels were about to take a large hit, why? He entered a committed relationship with one of his followers, Mary Magdalene. Lame. So with Jesus weakened, the Broman Empire decided to kill him. They got one of Jesus' Bros, Judas, to agree to turn him in. In return Judas was promised gold, a custom made Italian suit all the way from Rome (or Brome) and a blessing from the Almighty Bro.

So one night Jesus invited his Bros round for supper and a few poker games. He served bread and wine made from his own secret recipe. His secret was he would place pits of his flesh into the bread, yum, and drain his blood into a bottle of wine. See Jesus spent 83% of his time completely wasted so his blood pretty much tasted like alcohol at this point. Later that night a Broman legion arrived, at which point Judas gave Jesus a high five, which was a secret code to identify Jesus. I know the bible said that Judas actually kissed him but come on, they were Bros not gay lovers... or French guys.

The Death of Jesus

And so Jesus was forced to carry this really heavy cross through the streets while Jewish people yelled at him. Which may sound bad but he was then nailed to said cross, so y'know, ouchie.

So the Bromans crucified Jesus along with two other guys. Jesus stayed up there for a while, in pain probably, and played I Spy with my Little Eye with those other guys until he died.






The Rise of the Living Dead

Unfortunately Jesus made a pact with the Almighty Bro's archenemy and ex-Bro, Lucifer (awesome story, I'll tell it some other time maybe), and was brought back from the dead as a zombie. Yes, Jesus once again walked the Earth, but at a price, he now needed to devour human flesh to survive.

Zombie Jesus then tried to recruit followers to his crazy backward ass religion called Christianity so that he could take the place of the Almighty Bro. But his followers were all like 'Sorry Jesus we never actually believed that crap, we were just in it for the parties and the weed, you'd have to have no brain to believe in Christianity'. So then Zombie Jesus feasted on their brains turning them into mindless zombies, known today as Christians. The Christian Zombies then began to feast on the brains of the Jews, for once they had no brain, they would be much more open to the ideas of Christianity.

The Christians spread like wild fire, it was a real epidemic. At this point the Broman Empire was worried that the Christian epidemic would eventually spread to Brome, and so they prayed to the Almighty Bro. The Almighty Bro then transferred some of his cosmic powers into a bunny turning it into the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny then fought Zombie Jesus in a long, bloody, cosmic battle. Zombie Jesus was powerful but so was the Easter Bunny. When all seemed lost the Easter Bunny unleashed his super Chocolate, Bro-Nova attack, which created a blast so powerful that it destroyed himself and Zombie Jesus. And so the Easter Bunny gave his life to stop Jesus, which is why every year, we celebrate Easter in his memory. Unfortunately the fall of Jesus did not stop the Christians, as they continued to spread to the Western world, destroying knowledge. Eventually after the fall of the Broman Empire the Christians took control of the Western world, renamed Brome to Rome and brought an end to the golden age of Bros. True Story

If you're wondering what I have planned for Easter Sunday I am going out with my Bro Jessie, who broke up with her boyfriend Glenn yesterday. And yes, I'm going to take advantage of her needy state, get her drunk and then maybe she'll take me back.

Don't forget to remember the Easter Bunny's sacrifice...

May he rest in peace...

Bimbo Delivery Systems

Now I have a pretty bad hangover today (I had to drink a lot to build up the courage to leave the note at Raven's house) so this update isn't going to be very long. Today's modern Bro often gets too tired to go out and pick up chicks. The solution? Bimbo Delivery Systems! No longer must Bros pull out the Playbook and go make up an elaborate charade about themselves every time they want a date. Now you can set up a Bimbo Delivery System or two and simply wait until your booty phone starts ringing.

For those of you who don't know what a bimbo is, first off, da fuck? Second, a bimbo is an attractive girl with a low intelligence. It is similar yet separate from the stereotypical 'dumb blonde'. A Bimbo Delivery System is any long-term technique, that requires no effort once set up, to pick up chicks. My first and most successful Bimbo Delivery System are my Single-Girls Support Group posters stuck up around Mortimer and Witburn Secondary schools. Yep, those girls who are sick of being single phone up to join an anonymous school support group managed by me, a kind hearted guy who understands how hard it is to find someone you can trust. The call is directed to my Booty Phone where I schedule the next 'meeting' with her. However on the night none of the other girls show up because they all met someone, making my target feel alone and successfully lowering her self esteem, because if she's the only single girl left then there must be something wrong with her. After I support her she realizes I'm not like other guys, I actually care and like her for her, not her boobs. And then? It. Is. On. And there you have it, the Bimbo Delivery System.

Once I get my hands on an Auto-Dial machine I will set up my new Bimbo Delivery system, which will send the following pre-recorded message to all girls around my age in my area:

 

*All girls in South Shields go to King Street
*All bimbos believe in love at first sight and destiny

Breakup Letters

I thought today was Wednesday and therefor I would be going to South Shields but as it's only Tuesday my night just opened up so I thought I'd update my blog and watch the new episode of Arrow from last night. So... possibly the most awkward talk you can have is the breakup talk with a girl, along with the sex talk from your parent. Well luckily there is a way around it. Whenever a fling reaches the point were I either don't want to see her anymore or she wants a commitment, I simply wait until she leaves momentarily leaves the room and pull out my trusty default breakup letter, leave it were she'll find it and leave before she gets back. Yes a breakup letter informs your date that your fling is now over but in a polite way, so that you never have to see her again. Simply write out your letter on word, just remember to leave gaps were your dates name so that you can fill them in, print out a few copies and always keep one handy. Here is my breakup letter, as an example:

Dear _____________,
            the time we have spent together, no matter how short it was, means more to me than you could imagine. It may sound crazy but I love you and I always will my dear sweet _____________. Unfortunately as much as I'd love to spend my life doing lame couple stuff with you, our time together has reached its end. I couldn't bear to tell you in person as my heart is too fragile.

The European Union has discovered a new species of algae deep beneath the Mediterranean Sea. Now I can't go into too much detail as this is all confidential but these algae are unlike anything on Earth. It is believed to have originated on Titan, Saturn's largest moon, and come here via an asteroid. Due to recent tests it is believed that these algae may be the only known sentient plant and could offer vital evidence for Evolution and the origin of not just mankind, but all life on our planet.

My father, England's leading expert on algae, and I am being relocated to an underwater base by the European Union for the next 24 months so that hopefully he can shed some light on the situation. Unfortunately due to the top secret nature of this job no communication with the outside world is allowed in the base so I will be unable to return your calls. I only hope that we will see each other again someday (provided you keep your figure).

From Ryan.

Awesome, right? 

E-Mail any questions you have about being awesome to ryansblog@yahoo.com