Comic Book Origins: Deadpool

Wade Winston Wilson (kind of a tongue twister) is better known as the mercenary and antihero, Deadpool. But Deadpool's origin is kinda all over the place as Deadpool himself has Wolverine Syndrome (also known as Early Spawn Effect) and can't remember his origin due to his crazed mental condition.Whether or not he's actually Wade Wilson is also subject to change as someone once claimed to be the real Wade Wilson and Deadpool stole his identity. Deadpool said that whether or not he's Wade Wilson depends on what the writer prefers. But for the sake of this blog entry lets just presume Deadpool is Wade Wilson, which he probably is.

Wade's mother died of cancer at some point in his early childhood, which left him in the care of his physically abusive father. Wade was a bit of a hardcore, rebellious, don't-do-as-you're-told kind of guy. He was left an orphan when one of his friends shot and killed his father. After a brief military career he became a mercenary for hire. In America (Wade was born and raised in Canada) he met and fell in love with this American chick called Vanessa however when he later learned he had contracted cancer he broke up with her to save her the pain of being with a dying man. But back in the snowy north of Canada he was offered a chance at survival by Department K, a special weapons development branch of the Canadian government. Wade became a guinea pig in the Weapon-X Project, you've heard of that right? Wolverine? Adamantium claws? Terrible X-Men prequels starring Wolverine? All that jazz.

Weapon-X attempted to transfer Wolverine's healing factor into Wade Wilson, effectively curing his cancer. Of course they were more interested in creating duplicate Wolverine super-soldiers than curing cancer. Unfortunately the experiment failed and Wade was left horribly scarred, as you can see in the picture to the right. He was sent to a facility for Weapon-X rejects. The facility's inmates served as subjects in sadistic experiments. The inmates would place bets in a dead pool on which inmate would die next and Wade was always at the top of the list. Wade was brought to the brink of death after having his heart ripped out however he was saved when his healing factor given to him in Weapon-X suddenly kicked him, growing him a new heart and curing his cancer. Unfortunately his new healing powers couldn't rid him of his horrible scars.

Despite being left mentally unstable from his experiences Wade managed to escape and took the name Deadpool. He began donning a red full-body suit and returned to his life of being a mercenary. Deadpool like Spider-Man became known for cracking jokes. Deadpool is the only person in the Marvel universe that is aware he is a comic book character and often breaks the fourth wall by addressing the reader.

Deadpool Appeared in X-Men Origins: Wolverine... which was absolutely shit and ruined Deadpool. But there is a script for a more awesome Deadpool film which follows the comics more closely but it hasn't been confirmed whether the film will be made as Fox are hesitant to make a superhero film for an adult audience as the script is like rated 15 or 18 or something. But the film will apparently feature Deadpool's trademark humor, will have nothing to do with the god awful Wolverine film and will have Deadpool break the fourth wall and address the viewer. But Deadpool will be appearing in his own game which is going to be legen -wait for it- Dary!

New Play!: The I can Play at that Game

-      The -

I can play at that game

Requirements: A Notepad

Prep Time: None!

Bummers: Time consuming

The Play

1.      Write down a list of sexual acts on your notepad. Only write down things you actually want to do and I cannot stress that enough.

2.      Go to an apartment building and knock on people’s doors until a viable target answers.

3.      Tell her that her boyfriend has been cheating on her with your girlfriend. If she looks at you in confusion and says she doesn’t have a boyfriend, simply say you must have come to the wrong apartment and repeat steps two and three until you find a chick that does have a boyfriend.

4.      Tell her that you even found a list of every way they’ve enjoyed each other’s bodies and show her your notepad. Say that you wish there was a way you could get back at them, gesture to the notepad and sigh.

5.      Let her ‘get even’.

Easter: The True Story

Ah Easter, a lame boring religious holiday, right? Well yes, but it is also one of the first ever zombie stories, so today for the very first time, I will reveal the true story that unfolded on the very first Easter...

The Last Supper

Now back in the day Jesus was pretty popular, why? He lied to everyone and claimed to be the son of god with awesome powers. And what comes with great power? Great bitches, so as you can imagine Jesus got laid a lot. He hung out with 12 Bros, known today by the Christian church as the 12 disciples. Now Jesus lived at the time of the ancient Broman Empire, who hated Jesus for his teachings about god went against their beliefs of the Almighty Bro, whom they worshiped like a god.

But they couldn't stop Jesus because his awesome levels were too high but as chance would have it, Jesus' awesome levels were about to take a large hit, why? He entered a committed relationship with one of his followers, Mary Magdalene. Lame. So with Jesus weakened, the Broman Empire decided to kill him. They got one of Jesus' Bros, Judas, to agree to turn him in. In return Judas was promised gold, a custom made Italian suit all the way from Rome (or Brome) and a blessing from the Almighty Bro.

So one night Jesus invited his Bros round for supper and a few poker games. He served bread and wine made from his own secret recipe. His secret was he would place pits of his flesh into the bread, yum, and drain his blood into a bottle of wine. See Jesus spent 83% of his time completely wasted so his blood pretty much tasted like alcohol at this point. Later that night a Broman legion arrived, at which point Judas gave Jesus a high five, which was a secret code to identify Jesus. I know the bible said that Judas actually kissed him but come on, they were Bros not gay lovers... or French guys.

The Death of Jesus

And so Jesus was forced to carry this really heavy cross through the streets while Jewish people yelled at him. Which may sound bad but he was then nailed to said cross, so y'know, ouchie.

So the Bromans crucified Jesus along with two other guys. Jesus stayed up there for a while, in pain probably, and played I Spy with my Little Eye with those other guys until he died.






The Rise of the Living Dead

Unfortunately Jesus made a pact with the Almighty Bro's archenemy and ex-Bro, Lucifer (awesome story, I'll tell it some other time maybe), and was brought back from the dead as a zombie. Yes, Jesus once again walked the Earth, but at a price, he now needed to devour human flesh to survive.

Zombie Jesus then tried to recruit followers to his crazy backward ass religion called Christianity so that he could take the place of the Almighty Bro. But his followers were all like 'Sorry Jesus we never actually believed that crap, we were just in it for the parties and the weed, you'd have to have no brain to believe in Christianity'. So then Zombie Jesus feasted on their brains turning them into mindless zombies, known today as Christians. The Christian Zombies then began to feast on the brains of the Jews, for once they had no brain, they would be much more open to the ideas of Christianity.

The Christians spread like wild fire, it was a real epidemic. At this point the Broman Empire was worried that the Christian epidemic would eventually spread to Brome, and so they prayed to the Almighty Bro. The Almighty Bro then transferred some of his cosmic powers into a bunny turning it into the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny then fought Zombie Jesus in a long, bloody, cosmic battle. Zombie Jesus was powerful but so was the Easter Bunny. When all seemed lost the Easter Bunny unleashed his super Chocolate, Bro-Nova attack, which created a blast so powerful that it destroyed himself and Zombie Jesus. And so the Easter Bunny gave his life to stop Jesus, which is why every year, we celebrate Easter in his memory. Unfortunately the fall of Jesus did not stop the Christians, as they continued to spread to the Western world, destroying knowledge. Eventually after the fall of the Broman Empire the Christians took control of the Western world, renamed Brome to Rome and brought an end to the golden age of Bros. True Story

If you're wondering what I have planned for Easter Sunday I am going out with my Bro Jessie, who broke up with her boyfriend Glenn yesterday. And yes, I'm going to take advantage of her needy state, get her drunk and then maybe she'll take me back.

Don't forget to remember the Easter Bunny's sacrifice...

May he rest in peace...

Bimbo Delivery Systems

Now I have a pretty bad hangover today (I had to drink a lot to build up the courage to leave the note at Raven's house) so this update isn't going to be very long. Today's modern Bro often gets too tired to go out and pick up chicks. The solution? Bimbo Delivery Systems! No longer must Bros pull out the Playbook and go make up an elaborate charade about themselves every time they want a date. Now you can set up a Bimbo Delivery System or two and simply wait until your booty phone starts ringing.

For those of you who don't know what a bimbo is, first off, da fuck? Second, a bimbo is an attractive girl with a low intelligence. It is similar yet separate from the stereotypical 'dumb blonde'. A Bimbo Delivery System is any long-term technique, that requires no effort once set up, to pick up chicks. My first and most successful Bimbo Delivery System are my Single-Girls Support Group posters stuck up around Mortimer and Witburn Secondary schools. Yep, those girls who are sick of being single phone up to join an anonymous school support group managed by me, a kind hearted guy who understands how hard it is to find someone you can trust. The call is directed to my Booty Phone where I schedule the next 'meeting' with her. However on the night none of the other girls show up because they all met someone, making my target feel alone and successfully lowering her self esteem, because if she's the only single girl left then there must be something wrong with her. After I support her she realizes I'm not like other guys, I actually care and like her for her, not her boobs. And then? It. Is. On. And there you have it, the Bimbo Delivery System.

Once I get my hands on an Auto-Dial machine I will set up my new Bimbo Delivery system, which will send the following pre-recorded message to all girls around my age in my area:

 

*All girls in South Shields go to King Street
*All bimbos believe in love at first sight and destiny

Breakup Letters

I thought today was Wednesday and therefor I would be going to South Shields but as it's only Tuesday my night just opened up so I thought I'd update my blog and watch the new episode of Arrow from last night. So... possibly the most awkward talk you can have is the breakup talk with a girl, along with the sex talk from your parent. Well luckily there is a way around it. Whenever a fling reaches the point were I either don't want to see her anymore or she wants a commitment, I simply wait until she leaves momentarily leaves the room and pull out my trusty default breakup letter, leave it were she'll find it and leave before she gets back. Yes a breakup letter informs your date that your fling is now over but in a polite way, so that you never have to see her again. Simply write out your letter on word, just remember to leave gaps were your dates name so that you can fill them in, print out a few copies and always keep one handy. Here is my breakup letter, as an example:

Dear _____________,
            the time we have spent together, no matter how short it was, means more to me than you could imagine. It may sound crazy but I love you and I always will my dear sweet _____________. Unfortunately as much as I'd love to spend my life doing lame couple stuff with you, our time together has reached its end. I couldn't bear to tell you in person as my heart is too fragile.

The European Union has discovered a new species of algae deep beneath the Mediterranean Sea. Now I can't go into too much detail as this is all confidential but these algae are unlike anything on Earth. It is believed to have originated on Titan, Saturn's largest moon, and come here via an asteroid. Due to recent tests it is believed that these algae may be the only known sentient plant and could offer vital evidence for Evolution and the origin of not just mankind, but all life on our planet.

My father, England's leading expert on algae, and I am being relocated to an underwater base by the European Union for the next 24 months so that hopefully he can shed some light on the situation. Unfortunately due to the top secret nature of this job no communication with the outside world is allowed in the base so I will be unable to return your calls. I only hope that we will see each other again someday (provided you keep your figure).

From Ryan.

Awesome, right? 

E-Mail any questions you have about being awesome to ryansblog@yahoo.com

Top Seven Hottest Star Trek Women

8. Uhura

 Appeared in: Star Trek: The Original Series
Pros: Could easily get you on the bridge of the original Enterprise, incredibly low cut skirt
Cons: Might have to compete with ladies man Kirk, Communication officer so she probably never shuts up









7. Major Kira

Appeared in: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Pros: Tough and rough
Cons: Would have to fill Odo's shoes, could kick your ass, religious











6. Orion Slave Girls

Appeared in: Star Trek: Enterprise
Pros: Walk around half naked, turned on all the time, erotic dancing
Cons: Might attempt to control you, slavery has been abolished on Earth








5. Hoshi

Appeared in: Star Trek: Enterprise
Pros: Would get to rub her naked body with gel after an away mission
Cons: Could tell you to fuck off in like a thousand different languages










4. Tonia Barrows 

Appeared in: Star Trek: The Original Series
Pros: Low cut skirt, didn't seem too intelligent
Cons: I'm guessing Captain Kirk infiltrated her with his probe if you know what I mean, wearing a redshirt and therefor could die














3. Deana Troi

Appeared in: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Pros: Could get you to the bridge of the Enterprise-D, could seduce her with chocolate
Cons: Talkative, in love with Commander Riker











2. Jadzia Dax
Appeared in: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Pros: Likes it rough, awesome and fun personality, ever wondered if those spots go all the way down?
Cons: Her husband would fuck you up, used to be a man










1. T'Pol

Appeared in: Star Trek: Enterprise
Pros: Vulcan logic, no emotions, Trillium-D addict
Cons: Hmmm...

Top 10 Episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation

10. Q Who

Q, an omnipotent being that enjoys toying with the Enterprise crew, transports the ship all the way to the Delta Quadrant, a previously unexplored region of the galaxy. Two years away at maximum warp from the nearest Federation Starbase, Picard decides to take advantage of the situation and explore the sector. His curiosity however brings him up against an enemy more powerful than anything they have faced before, the Borg! A collective hive mind of cybernetic organisms that wishes to assimilate all life and my favorite Star Trek villains.





9. Unification

Now Star Trek: The Next Generation is my favorite Star Trek TV series but Spock is my favorite character. So then, you can imagine my joy when Spock appeared in this double episode of Next Generation. Spock is suspected of betraying the Federation as he is seen on the planet Romulus, at the heart of the Romulan Empire. Captain Picard and Data go on an undercover mission to figure out what is really going on. The episode brings my favorite characters, Data, Picard and Spock together in one place. It even ends with a mind meld between Picard and Spock!

8. Measure of a Man

Is Data simply a machine? Or can he be classified as a sentient life form? In this episode Picard and Data must prove that he is a life form or he will be classified as property of Starfleet and be deconstructed. This episode tackles the difficult question of what defines life and what is it to be alive? This episode was also said to be Brent Spiners favorite.







7. I, Borg

The Enterprise finds a Borg survivor of a ship crash known as 'Third of Five'. The crew plan to implement a virus into him and send him back to the Borg collective were the virus will hopefully destroy them. However during his stay on the Enterprise Third of Five begins to show signs of independence due to him being separated from the collective. He is given the name Hugh by Geordi La Forge and later classifies Geordi as his friend. When he begins to say 'I' instead of 'we' and seems unwilling to assimilate, Picard must reconsider his decision to use him as a weapon of mass destruction.






6. Timescape 

Picard, Troi, La Forge and Data return on a shuttlepod to find the Enterprise frozen in time, in the middle of a Romulan attack. But all is not as it seems as they attempt to save the Enterprise from the Romulans and a warp core breach that threatens to destroy the ship. 
  
  





 5. The inner light 

When the Enterprise encouters an alien probe Picard is rendered unconscious. He wakes up on a planet and finds he has a wife and that his experiences on the Enterprise were all just a dream. He lives and grows old on the planet, teaching himself to play a flute and raising a family. Eventually he awakes on the Enterprise and finds that the alien probe was built by a man on a dying world to share his experiences. Picard lived decades of the mans life in twenty minutes while he was unconscious. The episode ends with Picard alone in his quarters with only a flute to remind him of his experiences.

4. All Good Things...

... must end, even Star Trek: The Next Generation. This legendary series finale serves as a satisfying end to the greatest TV series of all time. Picard finds himself jumping between the present, the past and the future. The episode ends with Picard joining poker night for the first time, saying that he should have done so a long time ago.









3. Chain of Command 

Star Trek fans will know it simply from 'there are four lights!'. Captain Picard is captured by Cardassians (not Kardassians) while on a secret mission for the Federation. Picard is brutally tortured by the Cardassians, who are looking for information from him. His torturer use a technique were a mans will is broken to the point  were he believes everything he is told, even when it is clearly wrong. He is told that there are five lights, even when there are clearly four, and every time he disagrees he is punished. Very emotional stuff.

2. Yesterdays Enterprise

Of course it was going to be on the list. The Enterprise-D encounters a temperol anomaly and the Utopia Star Trek future that we know and love is altered when the Enterprise-C emerges from the past. In this warped Star Trek timeline the Federation is at war with the Klingon empire and only Guinan remains aware of the previous timeline. Two Enterprises, an alternative timeline, a crew member back from the dead, a temperol anomaly and Klingons, what more do you want?







1. Best of Both Worlds

Every true Star Trek fan has seen this. This two part episode was not only the best episode of The Next Generation but it also had the best cliffhanger in TV history. Captain Picard is captured by the Borg and assimilated. He becomes Locutus of Borg and begins an invasion of Alpha Quadrant, sector 001, otherwise known as Earth!

"I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile. Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward you will service us"