Google+ is Awesome

Google+ is not the most popular social network, nobodies arguing that, but it may be the best. It's lack of popularity is it's strongest point. If you're like me your Facebook wall is full of crap. But you don't get any of this shit with Google+ because those annoying fucks are all on the 'cool' sites like Facebook and Twitter. Plus Facebook charges pages if they want their posts to reach their full audience... What the fuck! It's also against you making new friends, however Google+ is a great medium to find new friends. 

So this is just a quick update letting you guys know I've got Google+ and you can circle me here: https://plus.google.com/app/basic/103872432634939162063?source=apppromo

Bimbo Disposal System

Earlier this week I had the misfortune of waking up next to a camper. A camper is a chick that gains access to your living grounds via seduction and then seems determined to spend time with you the next day. Campers are dangerous, you could find your one night stand turning into a relationship before you can say 'Sorry, you can't stay here, I have work to do'. So you have to be prepared, the first time I engaged a camper I was unprepared and to this day said camper still thinks there's something going on between us. Luckily over the years I have perfected what I call The Bimbo Disposal System.

Bimbo Disposal Systems are tricky, they have to be big enough to get rid of chicks the morning after but small enough that they go unnoticed until after you've had sex. When developing my system I had to do a lot of experimentation to find the right balance. I found Nazi memorabilia was too much but high in fat breakfast was too little. My system is made up of lots of little things and a few emergency 'big guns'. First of all, my Bro Cave lacks colour, being made up of mainly black and greys, with a dash of blue. This doesn't detract from sex but gives off an anti-chick tone the next day. Now, everyone knows that chicks feel the cold more than guys, which is why you'll find my room very cold on a morning. The heat in my room is easily adjustable, allowing for 'I have to take my clothes off' heat when she arrives but 'why is this blanket so thin?' cold after sex. To aid in this my blanket is quite thin.

Moving on to the bathroom. What's that? You wanna take a shower? Sorry you can't, I only have one clean towel. A Bro only needs a towel for himself, no one else, so this is an easy way to make chicks leave. It's not like she's going to walk around smelling like sweat, sex and shame all day. Your toilet seat should always be up, even if you just came from a number two, take your time to raise the toilet seat. To aid in this you can purchase spring loaded toilet seats. So, what else do chicks like to do on a morning? Eat breakfast. But a Bro has no food in his kitchen, he doesn't even really need an oven. Barney Stinson himself doesn't have a working oven, in it's place he has a cardboard display. Your kitchen also shouldn't have coffee, low-fat variations of popular drinks (diet coke) or a table (a table is just inviting chicks to eat with you). Your kitchen can have full fat versions of popular drinks, beer, scotch, wine (comes in handy during the seduction but not the morning after) and snacks. Microwaves and toasters are acceptable. 

Your Bro Cave should have absolutely no living things in it at all (not including people of course). Plants, especially flowers, give the chick a 'home sweet home' kind of feeling. You know who decorates their house with flowers? Chicks. Pets are also generally not allowed because with your lifestyle you're never home anyway and their cuteness could also encourage chicks to stay.

So, on to the big guns. All these little things are almost always enough to get chicks to vacate the area but every once in a while you'll get a chick that is determined to stay there until you're in a relationship. First off, smoke machine. Turn that baby on, wait, then shout 'fire!', rush dr off the premises and lock the door behind her. Works every time. Another thing you could do for those stubborn campers is text a female friend and have her come over an pretend to be your girlfriend. Last up, porn. Stick some porn on, it'll either get her horny or disgusted, either way you're good.

Hi, Have you met me?

Being your own wingman is hard, there's no denying that. But sometimes we have to fly solo. There are many reasons a Bro may be forced to pick up chicks on his own, ranging from being out of town to your wingman being otherwise occupied. I sadly don't have a wingman anymore. Luckily being without wingman doesn't necessarily mean being without sex. 

One of the big things a wingman does is talk you up, so without a wingman, you have to do that on your own. This is quite tricky because do it too much and you're a douche, but not enough and you're a loser. So, you have to brag about yourself in the form of a complaint. For example: 'My friends keep taking advantage of how nice I am, it sucks!', 'The front of my boxers are always too tight no matter what size I get, it sucks!' and 'I'm so strong I can't arm wrestle people without endangering them, it sucks!'. It could also be worth letting your suit do the talking, nothing says I'm rich, debonair and confident like

a fine ass suit. Fake phone calls can also be used to make it seem like a friend is talking you up.

Chicks, like their cushiony companions, almost always come in pairs. This can be a problem. Without a wingman to dive on the friend grenade you're going to be stuck talking to hottie and hottie's not so hot friend all night. Unfortunately without a wingman it's extremely unlikely that you're going to get any immediate action. The best thing to do in this situation is to get her phone number, move on and call her later (keeping in mind the Four Day Rule) to arrange a date. 

Push comes to shove you're better off with a wingman but there are some benefits of going solo. With a wingman there may be a crossover in targets leading to an argument about which one of you gets the chick. Without a wingman there's no chance of teammate error or rack jacking. When you're sitting alone drinking scotch and hoping for the sudden appearance of a dumb chick equally as alone as you, always remember things could be worse, you could be in a relationship *shudder*.

Awesomeness Carry Ons

To be awesome you have to be equipped. So, this week I'm going to let you in on what I always keep handy in order to best equip myself for an unpredictable yet totally expected legendary night. You may be dreading the idea of having to carry around everything you'll need, but never fear, your awesomeness carry ons can be safely stored in a suit for today's active Bro on the go. You see when people look at you they will see a Italian wool handcrafted into a beautifully made suit (hopefully), but said suit will also secretly double as storage. 

Shirt Pocket- A condom. A lot of men keep their condoms in their wallet but this is a big no-no as this will damage them.

Shirt Collar- The tie. A beautiful waterfall of silk flowing from your neck. Why does this count as an awesomeness carry on? A tie can also me used to tie hands to bedposts. Yeah.

Right Sleeve- Colourful Rope. Magic's awesome.

Left Sleeve- A magic bouquet of flowers. There's nothing more romantic than flowers, so why not purchase magic flowers that can be pulled out of your sleeve.

Right Trouser Pocket- A smart phone. Load up your smart phone with the get psyched mix, the Bro Code, Bro on the Go, a fake phoning system to get you away from needy chicks and anything else you may need.

Left Trouser Pocket- Air cushioned playing cards. None of that plastic coated crap. Playing cards are universally fun no matter who you're with. From Blackjack to Dou Dizhu, the good times never stop. And of course lets not forget magic tricks.

Inner left Breast Pocket- A wallet. Your wallet should contain change and a Chinese credit card. Keeping a wallet in your back pocket is uncomfortable when you sit down. This pocket should also contain a flask of single malt scotch, for obvious reasons.

Inner Right Breast Pocket- Dice. Ever find yourself in and argument with your Bro about which one of you should do an uncomfortable task such as jumping on the friend grenade? Well leave the problem in the hands of chance. A pen and a small pad. You never know when you'll need these to write down a girls number or give her yours. 

Waist- Nothing. Not even your keys, come on, nobody likes a Dominic. 

Your Swag ain't Worth Squat

If you're alive right about now, which I presume you are, you've probably heard a few words and phrases that have made you go 'Are you fucking stupid?'. Now I select my friends very carefully so that I don't have to why we should be 'dying our hair blue/green/purple' because 'Yolo' but the chicks in the 'I want to bang' group almost usually fall into the 'I'm a dumb bitch' group. So I'm often forced to listen to idiotic words and phrases, I mean yeah it's worth it but I want to make sure my readers are educated enough not say things that make them seem as dumb as the cast of Geordie Shore.

How will I do this you ask? I am providing you with a 'Shit that annoying fucks say' list which shall help you in conversing with your fellow Bros. For a person can either be a Bro or a 'Swagget' but they can never be both. Ever. It is our job as Bros to rise above the idiotic majority of our sad remnant of society. 

Shit that Annoying Fucks Say

- Swag/Swagger

- bro (notice the lower case 'l')

- Yolo

- Returns (On your Facebook photo)

- No makeup, god I'm so ugly!

- OMG

- Guys are all the same! (Sexist much?)

- Literally (when you mean figuratively)

- Maccy D's

- TOWIE

- On it like a car bonnet

- Aw, hell no! (Unless you're a black woman)

- That awkward moment when...

- Epic fail!

- # (followed by anything but a number)

- Bezza 

- wot? (Type 'what')

- Answer your phone! (Maybe they don't want to talk to you!)

- Don't judge me (you're a bitch)

I'd also like to say that I'm returning to my blog and from now on there will hopefully be weekly updates. Anything you think I missed from the list? Or is there a topic you'd like me to cover? Or a question you want answering? Then E-Mail me at: ryanslog1459@gmail.com

Comic Book Origins: Deadpool

Wade Winston Wilson (kind of a tongue twister) is better known as the mercenary and antihero, Deadpool. But Deadpool's origin is kinda all over the place as Deadpool himself has Wolverine Syndrome (also known as Early Spawn Effect) and can't remember his origin due to his crazed mental condition.Whether or not he's actually Wade Wilson is also subject to change as someone once claimed to be the real Wade Wilson and Deadpool stole his identity. Deadpool said that whether or not he's Wade Wilson depends on what the writer prefers. But for the sake of this blog entry lets just presume Deadpool is Wade Wilson, which he probably is.

Wade's mother died of cancer at some point in his early childhood, which left him in the care of his physically abusive father. Wade was a bit of a hardcore, rebellious, don't-do-as-you're-told kind of guy. He was left an orphan when one of his friends shot and killed his father. After a brief military career he became a mercenary for hire. In America (Wade was born and raised in Canada) he met and fell in love with this American chick called Vanessa however when he later learned he had contracted cancer he broke up with her to save her the pain of being with a dying man. But back in the snowy north of Canada he was offered a chance at survival by Department K, a special weapons development branch of the Canadian government. Wade became a guinea pig in the Weapon-X Project, you've heard of that right? Wolverine? Adamantium claws? Terrible X-Men prequels starring Wolverine? All that jazz.

Weapon-X attempted to transfer Wolverine's healing factor into Wade Wilson, effectively curing his cancer. Of course they were more interested in creating duplicate Wolverine super-soldiers than curing cancer. Unfortunately the experiment failed and Wade was left horribly scarred, as you can see in the picture to the right. He was sent to a facility for Weapon-X rejects. The facility's inmates served as subjects in sadistic experiments. The inmates would place bets in a dead pool on which inmate would die next and Wade was always at the top of the list. Wade was brought to the brink of death after having his heart ripped out however he was saved when his healing factor given to him in Weapon-X suddenly kicked him, growing him a new heart and curing his cancer. Unfortunately his new healing powers couldn't rid him of his horrible scars.

Despite being left mentally unstable from his experiences Wade managed to escape and took the name Deadpool. He began donning a red full-body suit and returned to his life of being a mercenary. Deadpool like Spider-Man became known for cracking jokes. Deadpool is the only person in the Marvel universe that is aware he is a comic book character and often breaks the fourth wall by addressing the reader.

Deadpool Appeared in X-Men Origins: Wolverine... which was absolutely shit and ruined Deadpool. But there is a script for a more awesome Deadpool film which follows the comics more closely but it hasn't been confirmed whether the film will be made as Fox are hesitant to make a superhero film for an adult audience as the script is like rated 15 or 18 or something. But the film will apparently feature Deadpool's trademark humor, will have nothing to do with the god awful Wolverine film and will have Deadpool break the fourth wall and address the viewer. But Deadpool will be appearing in his own game which is going to be legen -wait for it- Dary!

New Play!: The I can Play at that Game

-      The -

I can play at that game

Requirements: A Notepad

Prep Time: None!

Bummers: Time consuming

The Play

1.      Write down a list of sexual acts on your notepad. Only write down things you actually want to do and I cannot stress that enough.

2.      Go to an apartment building and knock on people’s doors until a viable target answers.

3.      Tell her that her boyfriend has been cheating on her with your girlfriend. If she looks at you in confusion and says she doesn’t have a boyfriend, simply say you must have come to the wrong apartment and repeat steps two and three until you find a chick that does have a boyfriend.

4.      Tell her that you even found a list of every way they’ve enjoyed each other’s bodies and show her your notepad. Say that you wish there was a way you could get back at them, gesture to the notepad and sigh.

5.      Let her ‘get even’.