Twilight Sucks!

Even before I saw Twilight part of me knew it wouldn't be very good. I had very low expectations for the film, I thought it was going to be crap. I was wrong. It wasn't just crap, if you took a shit decades ago that then tracked you down, forced itself down your throat, where it then nested in your abdomen for six months before crawiling out your asshole pulling more shit with it and then ate said shit before shitting it out, the resulting shit is the Twilight movie.

Now the movie does get a bad rep for Edward not actually being a vampire. I don't want to concentrate on this to much despite the fact it pisses me off more than the Christians saying they're a peaceful religion. I will say that he is technically just a hundred year old pedophilic undead fairy. I mean he doesn't drink human blood, he can go out during the day and he fucking sparkles! Another thing internet critics, well criticize, is the fact that Kristen Stewart has less facial expressions than a hard lump of Play Dough. What really annoyed me was her constant narration of the movie, it's like I was watching it with audio commentary from the most boring teenager to ever walk the Earth. Plus what do you call it when the entire story is narrated by the main character? Oh yeah, a fucking book! So the bloody script writers did a shitty job at adapting the book!

Now to be honest I can't remember too much of the story, probably because it's so forgettable it leaves your mind faster than vocabulary from a French lesson. But to be honest I was actually glad it was so forgettable because that way it wouldn't plague my dreams like 'Two Girls One Cup' did, which actually had a better romance than Twilight. Speaking of romance, the romance in Twilight is the kind of romance that exists between choir boys and Catholic priests or Jimmy Savile and a little girl. That is to say a pedophilic one. Am I supposed to overlook the fact Edward is over a hundred years old just because Bella thinks he's hot? I mean maybe I could do this if he didn't also stalk Bella and actually watch her sleep without her knowing. I'm guessing this is the film's attempt at romance but where I come from it's known as a felony. But I can't hate the romance too much as it does lead to the two biggest plot twists in the film, the fact Bella is capable of having emotions and just can't display them and that Edward is still in the closet even though he makes it so obvious even his hypothetical hardcore, Republican, in denial, father would be able to tell he was gay.

Now would I recommend the film to you? Well that depends, are you a young girl with no idea of what a vampire is, that is attracted to old men and believe pedophilia is perfectly okay and in fact it should be encouraged? If so then you will love this film! If however you aren't a crazed sociopath and have any idea of what makes a good a film, then no, stay the fuck away from this film. If parents really cared about their kids and the overall future of the human race they would not let their misguided brain dead daughters go any where near the film. In conclusion, Twilight fails at being everything it's trying to be, a romance film and a vampire film, in fact it actually fails at just being a film. If you want a good vampire film, watch Bram Stroker's Dracula, if you want a romance film, watch Two Girls One Cup. It may have lesbians eating each other's shit and puking in each other's mouths but it's still a better love story than Twilight.

The Life of Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad (Part 4 of 4): Legacy

Altaïr was born into the Assassin order, lived as an Assassin and died as an influential mentor of his order. He is still remembered today by the Assassins as one of the greatest mentors of their order and by the Templars as one of their greatest enemies. Here I will reveal the legacy of Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad because his story does not end with his death.

The Codex 

Ezio Auditore handing a codex page to Leonardo da Vinci

Altaïr's codex was eventually passed on to Marco Polo but unfortunately the Templars had their eyes on it. An Assassin, Dante Alighieri was ordered to transport the codex from Italy to Spain, where hopefully it would be safe from the Templars. Unfortunately his ship was attacked by pirates payed by Templars to retrieve the Codex. Dante's apprentice, Domenico, quickly broke the spine of the Codex and hid the pages but he was unable to save Dante's life from the pirates.


Domenico later took the name Auditore and constructed the villa Auditore in Italy.  Domenico's descendant, Ezio Auditore later found all of the pages of the Codex. Leonardo da Vinci, who was friends with Ezio, used the Codex to build the weapons designed by Altaïr. These weapons were then used by Ezio in his quest for vengeance against Rodrigo Borgia and the Templars. Ezio was later revealed to be the legendary prophet fabled in the Codex. He used his eagle vision to reveal a map hidden by Altaïr on the Codex pages, a map that showed the location of the vault, a first civilization temple that held a message that would prove invaluable in saving the world in 2012. The Codex pages were once again separated during a Borgia siege on the Villa Auditore. Some are now held by collectors, who are most likely Templars.

The Armour of Altaïr

Ezio wearing the armor

The light and almost indestructible armor created by Altaïr was later sealed in a sanctuary built beneath the Villa Auditore. It could only be retrieved with six seals, which were hidden in Assassin Tombs across Italy. Ezio Auditore eventually managed to retrieve the armor, which he used for a few years.

Ezio later lost the armor during the Borgia Siege of the Villa Auditore. However he did somehow manage to retrieve it, sometime after 1507.






The Five Keys and the Library 
In the later years of his life the mentor of the Italian Assassins, Ezio Auditore, later traveled to Masyaf. His goal was to enter Altaïr's library and discover the knowledge locked within. When he arrived however he found Masyaf overrun with Byzantine Templars and the door to the library locked and in need of five seals to open it.

Ezio discovers the body of Altaïr

In search of the five keys to the library Ezio traveled to Constantinople. The Templars also searched for the keys, believing the library would lead them to a powerful place known as the grand temple. Ezio retrieved the keys and each one allowed him to see a pivotal memory in Altaïr's life. He used the keys to open the library, where he found Altaïr's remains and an Apple of Eden, which held a message for Desmond Miles left behind by the first civilization.

Desmond Miles
Centuries later in 2012 a descendant of both Ezio and Altaïr, Desmond Miles, was kidnapped by Templars and forced into a machine known as the Animus, which allows it's user to read genetic memories past on from their ancestors. Inside Desmond relived the memories of Altaïr on his quest for redemption for breaking the three tenants of the Assassin's Creed in 1191. Eventually through Desmond, the Templars saw the map of the pieces of Eden that was revealed to Altaïr by the Apple of Eden after he killed Al Mualim.

Desmond Miles looks at a statue of Altaïr in the Villa Auditore

Through the bleeding effect, a side effect of the Animus that caused your ancestors reality and abilities to bleed into your own, Desmond adopted Altaïr's eagle vision, an enhanced sixth sense. After joining the Assassins Desmond later relieved Ezio's memories and trained to be an Assassin, carrying on his long legacy.

As Desmond's condition worsened due to the bleeding effect, he was plagued by visions of the third crusade, passed on to him by Altaïr. Eventually he collapsed and relived the conception of Altaïr's son and his ancestor, Sef Ibn-La'Ahad. After entering a coma Desmond was forced to relieve the memories of Ezio on his quest to to find the keys to Altaïr's library and by extension the memories Altaïr imprinted onto the keys. Through Ezio Desmond witnessed a message from the first civilization passed onto him through Altaïr's Apple of Eden.

The Life of Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad (Part 3 of 4)

Altaïr: They are artifacts, each one imbued with a message.

Niccolò Polo: A message for whom? 

Altaïr: I wish I knew...

- Altaïr regarding the keys of Altaïr and the messages they contain

Return to Masyaf
When Altaïr returned to Masyaf he learned that Malik had been imprisoned and a council had been placed in control of the Assassins, with Abbas at it's head. Abbas had been manipulating the council and by extension, the Assassin order. When Altaïr demanded to see his younger son, Sef, he was told he had been killed by Malik, however he knew this was not true and that Abbas was lying. Furious, Altaïr tried to assume command of the Syrian Assassins but Abbas did not allow it.

Altaïr infiltrated the Masyaf prison, where he found Malik, skinny to the bone. At Altaïr's home, Malik revealed that Abbas had Sef killed and framed him for the murder. The next morning Altaïr and Maria went to confront Abbas for his crimes. There he found that an Assassin had killed Malik, the moment he had been left alone.

Maria, dying in Altaïr's arms

Abbas, saying Altaïr was unfit for command, demanded the Apple of Eden be given to him. Altaïr agreed but when he was told by one of Abbas' men that Sef died thinking his father had ordered the kill, he activated the apple and killed the man. In the erupting confusion Altaïr accidentally stabbed Maria, he then held her in his arms as she died. When Assassins attacked him, Altaïr fled Masyaf and traveled to Alamut (A Persian Assassin stronghold, where Sef's children were located) with his son, Darim. Feeling guilty for his actions Altaïr spent the next twenty years of his life in Alamut completely focused on the Apple of Eden.

Altaïr, using the Apple, discovered a first civilization temple built beneath Alamut. Inside he found numerous memory seals, more first civilization technology, that were capable of recording and storing genetic memory. He took six and filled each one with a memory of his own life. The apple told him the seals would serve as a message, but he did not know for whom. Sef's wife and children later settled in Alexandria, Egypt.

Becoming Mentor of the Assassins again

Altaïr speaks with Assassins still loyal to him

Eventually in 1247 Altaïr returned to Masyaf, where he met Malik's son, Tazim, who remained loyal to Altaïr. Altaïr spoke to him and a few other Assassins about his plan to regain control of the Syrian Assassins. Together the Assassins walked through the streets of Masyaf to castle, where Altaïr confronted Abbas for the final time. Abbas was still angry at Altaïr for 'lying' about his fathers death. He then realized the Assassins were turning against him to side with their old mentor, who then shot him with a hidden gun. Altaïr tried once again to convince his old friend that he had not lied about his fathers death, but Abbas passed away not believing him.

Final Years
Altaïr began to spread the Assassins across the world, building numerous guilds abroad and more and mroe Assassins left Masyaf. He built a library in Masyaf, in which he stored hundreds of books that contained knowledge he had gained in his years studying the Apple of Eden. Five of his memory seals served as keys to the library. After the completion of his library he invited Italian explorer Niccolò Polo to Masyaf, where he told him stories of his life and the Assassin order. He gave him his Codex and his five memory seals, which Niccolò later hid in Constantinople. The explorer and the citizens of Masyaf fled the city during a Mongol siege.

When he was sure all the citizens had been evacuated Altaïr went to his library, which had been emptied of book under his order. He said goodbye to his son, Darim, who then left for Alexandria. Altaïr then sealed himself in his library, with the Apple of Eden. He placed the Apple on a pedestal in the library, where it would be safe, and sat on the center chair. Altaïr then imprinted a memory onto his sixth and final memory seal before peacefully passing away at the age of 92.

Altaïr, moments before his death, imprinting a memory onto his last memory seal

The Life of Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad (Part 2 of 4)

"Have you anything to teach us, or you will you lead us all to ruin?" - Altaïr regarding the Apple of Eden

Becoming Mentor of the Assassin Order

Altaïr and the Apple of Eden

Almost immediately after the death of Al Mualim, Altaïr carried his former mentor through shocked crowds. Suspicious he might return from the dead, Altaïr had Al Mualim's body burnt,  much to the outrage of Abbas and other Assassins. The Assassins were then split into those loyal to Altaïr  and those who believed he had killed Al Mualim in order to become leader of the Syrian Assassins. Altaïr attempted to explain himself but he was then attacked by enraged Assassins. He easily disarmed the Assassins, without killing them, but while he was distracted Abbas managed to retrieve the Apple of Eden, which proved too much for his mind. Altaïr managed to save Abbas but he was left wondering whether the Apple would teach them anything or prove to be their downfall. After seeing his herioc act of rescuing Abbas and the Apple's abilities, the Assassins decided to except Altaïr as their new mentor. 

Cyprus Archives 
A month after Al Mualim's death, Altaïr staged an attack on Acre's harbor, which the Templars were planning to use to escape to Cyprus. He tries to stop the escape but ultimately fails. He does manage to capture Maria Thorpe (The woman who posed as Robert De Sable) who attacks him to avenge the death of her former master. 

Altaïr and Maria on the boat to Cyprus

Altaïr then charters a ship to Cyprus and takes Maria with him. Once there he learns that Armand Bouchart, who is now the grand master of the Templar order, has purchased Cyprus off King Richard of England and is controlling the land and it's people. Altaïr of course fights the Templar presence in Cyprus. While doing so he learns of the Templar Archive which houses Templar knowledge and artifacts. Through the course of his mission, Maria becomes increasingly fond him, even helping him defeat a Templar mole.

Altaïr confronts Armand Bouchart in the archive and kills him. Following which the archive begins to collapse but Altaïr manages to escape. Maria and Altaïr then head to the harbor, where she reveals she has officially retired from the Templar order as she in love with him. The two then begin to head East towards India.

Revolutionizing the Assassin Order
Altaïr, who had previously wanted to seal the Apple away decided to keep it with him and through the years he used it quite often. He married Maria in 1195 in Cyprus and the two then returned home to Masyaf, where his first son, Darim, was born. Altaïr began to promote the ways of the Assassins all over the world and eventually traveled to Constantinople where he planned to spread the order to Europe. The city was all but burned to the ground by the Roman Catholics however, so he returned to Masyaf disappointed. 

Altaïr writing his Codex

 Through the Apple of Eden, Altaïr gained the knowledge to build wondrous things, the armor of Altaïr, which was lighter and stronger than any other armor, and a hidden blade that didn't require the loss of a finger, allowing the Assassin's to wield two hidden blades at once. He also created attachments for the hidden blade, the hidden gun and the poison blade. His constant study of the Apple did leave his friends and family to be worried however. Altaïr recorded his discoveries and his life in his legendary codex. He also later fathered another son, Sef, who went on to have children of his own. Altaïr began to change the ways of the Assassins, making them less public and more and more secretive. 

The Asassination of Genghis Khan
Genghis Khan and the Mongol Empire rapidly approached Masyaf, leaving the Syrian Assassins in danger. This and the fact he believed Genghis Khan possessed a piece of Eden, caused Altaïr and his son Darim to leave Masyaf to assassinate the emperor. Sef was left behind in Masyaf so he could look after his family and Malik was placed in control of the Syrian Assassins during Altaïr's absence. 

Altaïr and the Assassin, Qulan Gal, infiltrated a Mongol camp, where Genghis Khan was located. Altaïr was wounded by a guard due to his old age however but was luckily rescued by Qulan. Realizing he was in danger Genghis fled on horseback but was killed when his horse was hit by an arrow shot by Qulan. Successful in their mission, Qulan, Darim and Altaïr returned to Masyaf, ten years after they left. What they found however was nothing like what they left...

To be continued...
 


 

The Life of Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad (Part 1 of 4)

"When I was very young, I was foolish enough to believe that our Creed would bring an end to all these conflicts. If only I had possessed the humility to say to myself, I have seen enough for one life, I've done my part. Then again, there is no greater glory than fighting to find the truth" - Altaïr in 1257, during a Mongol attack on Masyaf

Early Life
Altaïr was born in Masyaf (the capital of the Syrian Assassins) on the 11th January 1165. His father, Umar Ibn-La'Ahad, was a respected member of the assassin order, having earned the rank of master assassin His mother however had died at child birth. During a Saracen siege of Masyaf Umar killed a nobleman, which ultimately lead to his execution. Altaïr, who was only eleven years old, watched as his father was executed, calling out his name moments before his death. Ahmad Sofian later revealed to Altaïr that he had revealed to the Saracens that Umar was the killer of the nobleman, before committing suicide in front of the young boy because of his guilt.

Altaïr was raised  and trained alongside Abbas Sofian (the son of Ahmad) and was told by Al Mualim (the mentor of the Syrian assassins) never to reveal to Abbas the truth about his fathers death. Abbas and Altaïr became best friends, however this changed when Altaïr told Abbas of his fathers suicide. Abbas accused Altaïr of lying and tried to kill him in a training exercise the next day. As a punishment Abbas was forced to train for another year, while Altaïr became an assassin.

Master Assassin

Altaïr became a master assassin at the age of 24, after he rescued the mentor, Al Mualim, from a Templar agent who had infiltrated the assassin order. This elevation in rank aggrivated Abbas and made Altaïr arrogant, which would prove to be his downfall the following year.

Al Mualim later tasked Altair with finding an ancient artifact known as the chalice, which was also desired by the Templars. The chalice was thought to be either an artifact that belonged to Jesus Christ or the descendant of Jesus himself! Altaïr's quest lead him to the temple of the sand, where he discovered the chalice had already fallen into Templar hands. In Jerusalem he discovered the chalice was in fact a woman named Adha, who he fell in love with. The two planned to run away together but unfortunately Adha was kidnapped by the Templars and Altaïr was unable to rescue her. It is unknown how or when but Adha did die, as mentioned later by Altaïr in his legendary codex.

The Hunt for the Nine
In 1191 both the Assassins and Templars had learned the location of the location of another artifact, under Temple Mount, in the ruins of King Solomon's Temple. Altaïr, Malik and his brother, Kadar were all tasked with retrieving the artifact. Altaïr's arrogance leads him to attempt to assassinate the Templar grand master, Robert De Sable, he fails however and is forced to abandon Malik and Kadar, who have been revealed to the Templars. Back at Masyaf Al Mualim is furious at Altaïr's failure and arrogance. Malik later arrives with the artifact and a broken arm (which is later amputated). Malik reveals that Altaïr had broken all three tenants of the assassin order in the temple and inadvertently caused the death of Kadar.

Due to Altaïr's failure the Templars are aware that the assassins have stolen the artifact and launch an attack on Masyaf. Altaïr and the assassins are able stop the attack and remain in possession of the artifact but afterwords Altaïr is killed in front of a crowd by Al Mualim as a punishment for his behavior.

Altaïr later awakes confused and Al Mualim explains that his 'death' was merely a trick. Altaïr is offered a trade, nine lives in exchange for his own. He agrees and is tasked with hunting down and assassinating nine men, who are corrupt and profit of the third crusade.

Altaïr begins to kill the men, for what he is told to be the betterment of the holy land. As his quest continues however he begins to wonder what the real goal of the assassinations is. He learns from Al Mualim that the artifact from Solomon's temple is one of the legendary pieces of Eden and one of the six apples of Eden. Al Mualim explains that the Templars aim to use the apple to conquer the holy land.

With one target left to kill, none other than the Templar grand master Robert De Sable, Altaïr begins to wonder what connect his targets together. He begins to speculate that they were all collaborating to create a new world order using the apple. When he tracks down Robert in Jerusalem he finds that it is actually a woman known as Maria and that the real Robert is planning an attack on Arsuf, in an attempt to unify the Templars with the Saracens against the assassins. He reveals this to Malik, who had previously forgiven Altaïr for the death of his brother. At Arsuf Altaïr reveals Roberts treachery to King Richard of England (Richard the Lion heart) and kills him. Robert used his dying breath to reveal to Altaïr that Al Mualim was in fact a Templar who was using him to eliminate all others that knew of the apples existence.

Al Mualim's Treachery
At Masyaf Altaïr is confronted with hordes of hypnotized villagers and assassins. Malik and a group of assassins that still retain their mind hold off the the controlled assassins so that Altaïr can break into Masyaf castle and confront Al Mualim.

In the garden Al Mualim refered to as paradise, Altaïr is trapped by the apples power, which is also being used to control the assassins in Masyaf. Altaïr is immune to the apples mind control affects however because he is (SPOILER) a descendant of an ancient but advanced race that created the pieces of Eden (SPOILER over).

Al Mualim reveals that he intends to use the apple to achieve the assassins goal of world piece. But controlling the minds of men to achieve world piece goes directly against the belief of Assassins, that all men should have free will. For that very reason Altaïr attempts to stop Al Mualim, who creates multiple clones of himself using the apple. Despite all of his masters tricks Altaïr is able to fight and kill him. He is then challenged by Al Mualim to go through with his promise to destroy the apple. As he gazes apon it however, he finds himself unable to do so because as Al Mualim said, the apple is simply temptation given a form. The apple then activates itself and reveals to Altaïr a 3D hologram of Earth, which shows the location of various other pieces of Eden scattered across the planet.

Comic Book Origins: The Black Mask

For those of you who don't know who this guy is, he's a batman villain that first appeared in Batman #386. Roman Sionis was born to wealthy parents, who had become rich via their cosmetics company. His parents were more concerned about their social status than their money however. In fact their social status was the most important thing to them, even more important than their own son. The Sionis family was close friends with the Wayne family, at least in public, so Roman was forced to befriend Thomas Wayne's son, Bruce.

Roman began to feel like his parents wore masks in  public and he hated that. He grew up resenting them and really, who can blame him? After graduating school he went to work at his fathers company, were he fell in love with a secretary. Unfortunately because she was working class his parents did not approve of the relationship and made Roman break up with her. In response to this Roman burnt down his parents mansion, killing them both in the process. Harsh huh? But afterwords he inherited his fathers business and fortune, would you kill your parents for a boatload of money?

Unfortunately Roman didn't have the appropriate know-how to run a business so he started to lose money but that's karma I guess. So in desperation he rushed a face care product to the shelves without the appropriate testing, the result was a toxin that disfigured your face, needless to say it wasn't very popular. His fiancee then left him in front of his staff, as if his life wasn't bad enough. Luckily for him, Bruce Wayne (who was now in charge of Wayne Industries) offered to bail his company out in exchange for him giving up control of his company to Bruce. Roman then kinda went loopy, blaming others for his misfortune, mainly Bruce Wayne.

Roman then broke into his parents crypt, got struck by lightning (wow, he really can't catch a break) and carved a mask out of his fathers casket. Donning the mask Roman became the Black Mask. As a crime lord the Black Mask formed the False Face Society, a criminal group made up of Gothams petty criminals. He became pretty powerful, which attracted the attention of the police and of course the Batman. The Black Mask started killing everyone he believed had wronged him in his life. Luckily Batman deduced his real identity and stopped him before he killed Bruce Wayne (or Batman). Black Mask tried to kill Batman in a fire but failed and the flames fused the mask to his face. Bummer.

Don't forget to E-mail topics and questions to ryansblog@yahoo.co.uk

Comic Book Origins: The Incredible Hulk

Bruce Banner had a very unhappy childhood, thanks to his alcoholic father, Dr Brian Banner, that literally hated him. His father tried to create clean cheap nuclear energy but he became worried that his son had been affected by the nuclear radiation. Bruce's heightened intelligence only strengthened his fathers beliefs. Brian was extremely violent, he abused his son and actually murdered his wife, which probably traumatized Bruce.

So yeah, his childhood was unhappy. So unhappy that he actually developed split personality disorder. To make his life worse he was also bullied at school. In fact a bulling incident prompted him to plant a bomb in his school! The bomb didn't work but the school obviously wasn't impressed so he was expelled.

But against all odds he became a respected scientist, with a doctorate in nuclear physics. He began a career with the military and started to develop a Gamma-Ray bomb. While testing this bomb in New Mexico he was forced to leave the bunker and enter the blast range of the bomb to rescue a clueless teenager named Rick Jones who had wandered onto the test site. He was successful in helping Rick but as a result he was exposed to gamma radiation.

At first it appeared Bruce had been unaffected by the gamma rays but at sunset he mutated into what we now call the Hulk, except with grey skin (this was because they had problems with printing grey so his skin colored changed to green a few issues later). That night Hulk was pursued by the army. They had him cornered then suddenly, when the sun rose, he turned back into Bruce Banner. Bruce's transformations into the Hulk later happened because of the release of adrenaline rather than the time of day.

Unfortunately due to his rare condition of turning into a green Goliath whenever he gets ticked off, he began to be continuously hunted by the military forces commanded by General Ross, the father of Betty Ross, the woman who both Hulk and Bruce loved. But Hulk isn't really the bad guy the army thinks he is, in fact he is even one of the founding members of the superhero team, the Avengers! However he left the team shortly before Captain America joined because he learned the others feared his unstable personality.