Even before I saw Twilight part of me knew it wouldn't be very good. I had very low expectations for the film, I thought it was going to be crap. I was wrong. It wasn't just crap, if you took a shit decades ago that then tracked you down, forced itself down your throat, where it then nested in your abdomen for six months before crawiling out your asshole pulling more shit with it and then ate said shit before shitting it out, the resulting shit is the Twilight movie.
Now the movie does get a bad rep for Edward not actually being a vampire. I don't want to concentrate on this to much despite the fact it pisses me off more than the Christians saying they're a peaceful religion. I will say that he is technically just a hundred year old pedophilic undead fairy. I mean he doesn't drink human blood, he can go out during the day and he fucking sparkles! Another thing internet critics, well criticize, is the fact that Kristen Stewart has less facial expressions than a hard lump of Play Dough. What really annoyed me was her constant narration of the movie, it's like I was watching it with audio commentary from the most boring teenager to ever walk the Earth. Plus what do you call it when the entire story is narrated by the main character? Oh yeah, a fucking book! So the bloody script writers did a shitty job at adapting the book!
Now to be honest I can't remember too much of the story, probably because it's so forgettable it leaves your mind faster than vocabulary from a French lesson. But to be honest I was actually glad it was so forgettable because that way it wouldn't plague my dreams like 'Two Girls One Cup' did, which actually had a better romance than Twilight. Speaking of romance, the romance in Twilight is the kind of romance that exists between choir boys and Catholic priests or Jimmy Savile and a little girl. That is to say a pedophilic one. Am I supposed to overlook the fact Edward is over a hundred years old just because Bella thinks he's hot? I mean maybe I could do this if he didn't also stalk Bella and actually watch her sleep without her knowing. I'm guessing this is the film's attempt at romance but where I come from it's known as a felony. But I can't hate the romance too much as it does lead to the two biggest plot twists in the film, the fact Bella is capable of having emotions and just can't display them and that Edward is still in the closet even though he makes it so obvious even his hypothetical hardcore, Republican, in denial, father would be able to tell he was gay.
Now would I recommend the film to you? Well that depends, are you a young girl with no idea of what a vampire is, that is attracted to old men and believe pedophilia is perfectly okay and in fact it should be encouraged? If so then you will love this film! If however you aren't a crazed sociopath and have any idea of what makes a good a film, then no, stay the fuck away from this film. If parents really cared about their kids and the overall future of the human race they would not let their misguided brain dead daughters go any where near the film. In conclusion, Twilight fails at being everything it's trying to be, a romance film and a vampire film, in fact it actually fails at just being a film. If you want a good vampire film, watch Bram Stroker's Dracula, if you want a romance film, watch Two Girls One Cup. It may have lesbians eating each other's shit and puking in each other's mouths but it's still a better love story than Twilight.
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